Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Fort Bragg in Plain English

El Presidente George Dubya Bush gave a speech last night at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, discussing two marginally related topics: Iraq and the so-called War on Terror. I present here for your consideration a plain-English translation of what Dubya meant to say:

I'm pleased to visit Fort Bragg, "Home of the Airborne and Special Operations Forces." I thank you for your service, your courage, and your sacrifice — but most of all for not having your daddies' friends pull strings to get you a cushy assignment where you were absolutely guaranteed never to see combat, because for anyone except a future President, that would be unpatriotic. Now, to make myself seem patriotic, I'm going to repeatedly mention 9/11, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with Iraq: not a single 9/11 terrorist was from Iraq, trained in Iraq, funded by Iraq, or even given directions to the nearest Wal-Mart by Iraq.

The aim of the terrorists is to remake the Middle East in their own grim image of tyranny and oppression — by toppling governments, by driving us out of the region, and by exporting terror. But we won't let them: we will remake the Middle East in our own grim image of tyranny and oppression — by toppling governments, by driving them out of the region, and by exporting terror. The difference is that we are right because Jesus Christ is on our side, not some stupid Allah guy.

After September the 11th, I made a commitment (that means "really strong double promise") to the American people: This nation will not wait to be attacked again. We will defend our freedom to subjugate other people. We will take the fight to people who had nothing at all to do with attacking us.

Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war, because actually finding Osama bin Laden and the other real terrorists would be, like, totally hard and all. Besides that, I've been itchin' to get that bastard Saddam since way back before I became a dry drunk. General John Vines put it well the other day: "We either deal with terrorism and this extremism when it comes to us, or we create a fertile training ground abroad to create thousands upon thousands of battle-hardened terrorists ready to come attack us as soon as they're done in Iraq." My political strategy of keeping America in a constant state of fear depends upon having a steady supply of new terrorists, and Iraq is the perfect place for us to train those terrorists to come kill Americans.

Our mission in Iraq is clear. We're hunting down a few terrorists, and training far more than we're hunting down. We are creating a source of violence and instability, and laying the foundation for war for our children and grandchildren, except that Christ will probably come back before our grandchildren will be old enough to be cannon fodder.

The work in Iraq is difficult and it is dangerous. Like most Americans, I'm glad that my kids weren't stupid enough to volunteer, and even more glad that I managed to weasel out of serving my country when it was my turn. Is the sacrifice, the violence and bloodshed, worth it? It is worth it, because it's your kids, spouses, and parents who are getting maimed and killed, and it is vital to the future security of my theocratic right-wing junta.

Our military reports that we have killed or captured probably almost 1% of the foreign fighters in Iraq who have come from Saudi Arabia and Syria, Iran, Egypt, Sudan, Yemen, Libya and others. (Probably Albania, too, because I need a pretext to bomb them next.) They are making common cause with true Iraqi patriots who don't want to see the Great Satan impose its own singular vision of democracy. They are succeeding in turning the Middle East into a base for attacks on America and our allies around the world, and every day they are recruiting more new terrorists than we can kill, capture, or deter.

The only way our enemies (Democrats, Libertarians, and even moderate Republicans) can succeed is if we forget the lessons of September the 11th, because there was never a terrorist attack anywhere in the world before it, and we don't really care about any attacks since then, unless they help us ram through our policies without meaningful debate.

Rebuilding a country after three decades of tyranny is hard, and rebuilding while at war is even harder — but far more profitable for Halliburton. Our progress has been uneven. We're improving roads that we blew up, rebuilding schools and health clinics that we blew up, and working to improve basic services like sanitation, electricity, and water, that we disrupted.

In the past year, the international community has stepped forward with minimal assistance. Some 30 nations have a total of at least 40 or 50 troops in Iraq, and many others are contributing token non-military assistance. The stupid United Nations is in Iraq, god damn them, to help Iraqis write a constitution and conduct their next elections. Katherine Harris and J. Kenneth Blackwell will be available to help the Iraqis hold open, free, and fair elections, just like Florida and Ohio.

Some Americans ask me, if completing the mission is so important, why don't you send more troops? Well, first, that would undermine the message of my "Mission Accomplished" banner on that battleship two years ago. Secondly, it would be wildly unpopular at home, and might undermine my efforts to sabotage Social Security and fight the true enemy of America, gay marriage.

Under the régime of Saddam Hussein, the Shia and Kurds were brutally oppressed, and the vast majority of Sunni Arabs were also denied their basic rights, while senior régime officials enjoyed the privileges of unchecked power. The other critical element of our strategy is to learn how my administration can enjoy those privileges of unchecked power. Once we achieve that, we can leave the Iraqis to kill themselves or rebuild or whatever.

The Iraqis have held free elections and established a Transitional National Assembly. The next step is to write a good constitution that enshrines freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, and equal justice under law — but not gay marriage or flag burning — in permanent law.

In this time of testing, our troops can know: The American people are behind you, as long as it doesn't cost any money. This Fourth of July, I ask you to find a way to thank the men and women defending our freedom — by flying the flag, sending a letter to our troops in the field, or making some other symbolic gesture to hide the fact that we aren't willing to pay for battle armor or health care for our troops. The best way to honor the lives that have been given in this struggle is to cut funding for the Veterans Administration.

After September the 11th, 2001, I told the American people that we would get Saddam one way or another, and nothing else really matters.

— President George Walker Bush, June 28, 2005
So there you have it. We need to fight gay marriage, flag burning, Social Security, and fair taxation, because otherwise the terrorists win. All you schlubs out there need to send your sons and daughters to fight and die, because the cushy lives of rich Republicans are at stake.