Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Modest Proposal

(with all due respect to Mr. Jonathan Swift, whose 1729 essay first carried that title)

A Modest Proposal
for the Middle East

As the twenty-first century begins, America feels that it is under attack from outside its borders in the form of Islamic terrorism, while Americans wage a Culture War of their own at home, all the while ignorant that the Islamic world resents America's lack of pressure on Israel to make peace with the Palestinians. To address the three crises simultaneously will take a brilliantly bold trifecta of strategy, tactics, and timing, as well as a willingness to pay any price for success.

In order to address Arab resentment over U.S. unwillingness to anger Israel (not to mention other Islamic resentment over the interchangeability of "Arab" and "Islamic" in American minds), the President should immediately issue an ultimatum to both the Israelis and the Palestinians, giving them until December 25th of next year to conclude a Treaty of Peace, Friendship, Brotherhood, and Understanding, or else the United States will invade both territories, not as a Liberator, but as an Occupying Power, in order to secure the use of bases from which to control the skies not only of Iraq, but of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, and, of course, Albania. (Any country that honestly thinks "SHQIPERIE" is even pronounceable, much less a good name for your homeland, is clearly asking to be bombed back to the Stone Age. I think it looks something like this in Cyrillic: Щипэре. Did you know that "Yushchenko" has only 6 letters? Ющенко.)

But lest I be accused of starting a war in Albania as a distraction from my true purpose of liberating the oil from the sand niggers umm, I mean, from our dear Mohammedan friends, let me return to the subject of Peace in Pisralistine, as it shall henceforth be known.

Regrettably, as the Conflict in Pisralistine has waged for Millennia, we can be easily assured that, even faced with the common threat of a true American occupation, perhaps with Saddam Hussein rehabilitated and returned as the provincial governor of the American Overseas Territory of Pisralistine, the Kikes and the Ay-rabs will never conclude a cease-fire of any duration, much less full-on peace, even with a year and a half to do it. That means that, in order to maintain the Sacred Credibility Of the Threat Of American Force (S.C.O.T.O.A.F., another term for a dirty Scottish carpetbagger in Bethnal Green, wounding our Dear Leader's feelings by so brutishly speaking the truth), it will be necessary to actually invade Pisralistine.

Since our announced intentions will be to subjugate the peoples and to enforce Law and Order, we must assume that they will greet us with flowers and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. I therefore submit my estimate that we will require approximately 12 million soldiers for the ground invasion (for each two Pisralistinis, two guards plus one photographer). By landing with such an overwhelming force, we will minimize casualties among enemy forces and civilians as well as among people who actually matter Americans.

Unfortunately, due to the short-sightedness of Previous Administrations ("The Buck Stops with My Predecessor!"), our current military manpower is inadequate understaffed to achieve the objective. This is where the real creative thinking comes in! I mentioned the Culture Wars earlier, with Americans digging in their heels in camps defined primarily in opposition to The Other Camp. Well, what is the one population beating on the U.S. military's door, asking to be allowed to serve? That, sir, would be the godless heathen Homosexuals. (After all, the only thing worse than a towelhead is an atheist or a sissy. Or a trade-unionist.)

The difficulty is that for so many years, in the face of such copulous copious evidence, we have hewn true to our Faith that our Boys in Uniform would fall prey to the evil Homosexual Deviants. (After all, sucking cock is often a gateway to disco dancing, and no straight man has the self-control to resist the advances of a faggot without physical violence.) It is clear that the mere presence of a single pansy in a barracks full of straight boys would eventually contaminate the entire platoon. However, all of these problems occur only if we permit intermingling of straight and homo soldiers. If we have the homos over there in Plessy Company, and the straight boys here in Ferguson Company, we won't have any problems. We just make sure that the liaisons from Ferguson Company to Plessy are all immune to the genderqueer wiles of the faerie faggots. Then we keep the Straight Army all-volunteer, and draft all the fags -- plus some diesel dykes to run the motor pool.

Surely we can find 12 million able-bodied queers (especially now that they all constantly play football or go skateboarding) to go assert our Manifest Destiny to rule the entire Planet. To quote Billy the Kid from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, "What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep." It's the American way, dammit! If those other countries didn't want to get invaded, they shouldn't've gone and put in all those natural resources.

The Culture Wars will be a thing of the past, forgotten as quickly as a campaign promise. With no homosexuals over here in America reproducing recruiting, there soon won't be any homosexuals left. God knows they ain't borned that way. Any other godless heathens still left (and we know they're all closet homos anyway) will be easy enough to pick off one by one.

And besides that, then Osama bin Laden will be our bitch. The whole Thrust (tee-hee) of his recruiting pitch is that America doesn't give a shit about the Arabs or the atrocities of the Israelis. By implementing Peace in Pisralistine, we will show that we will no longer allow the Palestinian people to be pushed around by the Israelis. We will show them who is their Lord and Master, imposing democracy, the way that Jesus Christ himself wanted it to be when he died for your dirty, dirty sins. The Arabs will be so busy kissing up to their new overlords, they won't have time to come blow up our skyscrapers. No more terrorism, no more fags, and no more whiny intifada to worry about. Where's the downside?

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