Monday, October 05, 2015

The Funds and the Furious: Trevor Noah transcript

This is an unauthorized rush transcript of the second half of the lead segment of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, 2015-10-05.

The Funds and the Furious: Trevor Noah literally puts words in politicians' mouths

[intro regarding the remarkable success right-wing Republicans have had over the last few years in curbing a woman's Constitutionally guaranteed right to have an abortion; transcript begins at approximately time stamp 5:05]

Trevor Noah: It's truly amazing how much the Pro-Lifers have been able to accomplish in the anti-abortion fights. Just imagine what they could do with an issue where the facts are on their side! Yes, yes, that is such a deep thing to think, but what other issue could appeal to those who love life??

[transcript continues with embedded video below]

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Thursday, July 02, 2015

Transcript: Jon Stewart on Donald Trump and the Media

Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show tonight (Thursday, 2015-07-02) with a segment about Donald Trump, his recent comments about immigrants coming in from or through Mexico, the media coverage, and the attempts by some politicians and Fox News talking heads to minimize what Trump actually said. The video and transcript follow, below the fold.

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Jon Stewart: ... I want to talk about one person who has been there for me, really throughout this whole run, but especially near the end of the run. His name is, uh, Donald. [applause] And he's a good man. And Donald recently glided back into my life on his solid gold up-and-down people mover, cranked up the unauthorized Neil Young, opened up his crazy hole, and made a promise to me that I would never be without material again.

Trump: When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. ... They're sending people that have lots of problems. And they're bringing those problems with us [sic]. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists, and some — I assume — are good people.
Stewart: That's our good friend Donald Trump, reminding America that as many as a handful of people [laughter] coming across our southern border are not rapists — he assumes. He's sure about the rapist part, but feels that — I guess by pure law of averages — there are probably some non-rapists caught up in that tide, whether they are unable to rape for medical reasons, or, uh, whether they are just all raped out. [laughter] As you can imagine, this statement from a [pauses, looks at notes] Republican Presidential candidate [stifles a laugh] — was noticed.

News announcers: — NBC announced their plans to cut all business ties to Donald Trump.

— Univision is dropping all ties with Donald Trump.

— Macy's joins the list...

— Add Serta mattress company to the list...

— Even Ricky Martin is yanking his foundation golf tournament off of a Trump property...
Stewart: I am shocked! [laughter] I am shocked — that so many people were OK doing business with Donald Trump, up to this point. But you know our P.C. culture: it immediately moves to shut controversial speakers up. And censor them. By interviewing them, everywhere, all the time.

News announcers: — But I want to know whether not you stick by these comments.

— Do you regret that you didn't have a script? Do you want to apologize for anything?

— Would you take any of that back?

— Do you regret saying that specifically about rapists, or do you stand by it?
Stewart: And before you answer, remember my question included the words "regret," "rapist," and "you" — which, in the news business, is called "a hint." [laughter] Now, obviously, Mr. Trump was speaking extemporaneously. Did Donald take this opportunity to walk back his comments? To express regret over misrepresenting the situation, of saying something inelegantly? Of course not. You know why he's not walking them back? Because walking is for Losers. Winners glide, usually down escalators, into malls.

Trump: — Of course they're criminals in many cases. Why would I change that statement?
— Some are good and some are rapists, and some are killers.
— I don't think it's a small percentage [of Mexicans who are good people]. It's a lot.
— And I'm not just talking Mexico, I'm talking about all over the world they're coming through the southern border.
— I'm not knocking anybody.
— If I were doing Mexico, I'd be sending the killers, the drug dealers, the rapists —
Stewart: It's an interesting glimpse into the policies of a possible Trump Presidency. [mocking Trump] You know, I would definitely and lawlessly put all my country's criminals on a bus, and send them to the next closest country to the north. I guess what I'm saying is: Suck on that, Canada. [normal voice] Now, I know it's a fools errand to try and disprove the ravings of a madman, but according to a study published in the peer-reviewed journal Criminology, there actually is NO correlation between increased immigration of ANY kind and increased rapes or violent crime. Apparently killing and hurting each other is one of those jobs Americans are still very willing to do themselves. Donald, can you point to ANYTHING that backs up your statement?

Trump: This was an article by Fusion. Somebody said Fusion is owned by Univision. This one says, "80% of Central American women and girls are raped [emphasis by Trump] crossing into the United States." 
Don Lemon, CNN: That's about women being raped, it's not about criminals coming across the border or entering the country. 
Trump: Somebody's doing the raping, Don — I mean, you know —
[Daily Show audience laughs]

Stewart: Touché. I believe we have our campaign slogan:

Now look: it's hard, it's hard, it is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo. It's a monkey. It's what they do. In some ways, it's on you for watching. What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

Steve Ducey, Fox & Friends: you know, a lot of politicians would've apologized by now, and said, "Well, this is what I really meant..." That's really what he meant, largely. You know, there is a problem when the southern border is not secure.
Stewart: Nobody would be canceling their business with Donald Trump if he had said, in his speech,"You know, there's a problem when our southern borders are not secure," but That. Is Not. What he said.

Trump: When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. ... They're rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.
Stewart: He's still not even sure! [laughter] if some are good people!

Rep. Steve King (R–Iowa): Well, I think what happens is that it gets distorted, perhaps a little bit ... He didn't say most Mexicans were rapists. Umm, he said "They are" — he's speaking generally, speaking of the criminals that are doing this.
Stewart: I don't even know what that means. But I know that that's not what he said! Let me play this again at a speed even Steve King can understand:

Trump [slow playback]: They're rapists, and some, I assume are good people.
Stewart: [slowly] Get it, Steve? [normal voice] Do you understand?? That is what people are upset about. So, are we settled?

Fox & Friends: Should he apologize for what he said?
Sen. Ted Cruz (R–Texas): I don't think you should apologize for speaking out against the problem that is illegal immigration. I recognize that the P.C. world, the mainstream media, they don't want to admit it....
Stewart: That is such buzzword nothing bullshit! Who doesn't want to admit what?? One last time, let's get straight what Donald Trump said. All together now, follow the classy ball.

[graphic: Slandero Gigante (Difamación Gigante)]

Trump [with text on screen, karaoke style]: They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.
Stewart: Stop pretending!! he didn't say and is sticking to what he said, which is, Mexico is purposefully sending us drugs, killers, and rapists, and within that group, there may be — he's not sure! — some people who are good. That's the part he's not sure about. He's sure about the overwhelming number of killers and rapists and drug addicts Mexico has sent us. That is what he fuckin' said! But, the one good thing to come out of this, is that the farce of his candidacy is finally exposed, his unseriousness, on display for all people and voters to see, and the Results. Will. Be. Obvious.

news report: The billionaire has jumped to second place among Republicans in a recent national poll, also placing second in the first two critical battleground states of Iowa and New Hampshire.
Stewart: Fuck me. We'll be right back.

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#DonaldTrump #JonStewart #DailyShow #Transcript #SlanderoGigante

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Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Transcript: Bassem Youssef on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

On 2015-02-09, The Daily Show had a segment featuring Bassem Youssef (باسم يوسف), an Egyptian satirist whose program Al-Bernameg (The Programالبرنامج) was banned by Egyptian television. Bassem gave some background on US involvement in the Middle East, and some thoughts about how we should move forward.

Jon Stewart: Welcome back. Now that we know that everything we hold dear in this world ... is a lie!! — especially about the Middle East — it makes you wonder, what IS going on over there?

Wolf Blitzer, CNN, 2014-01-23: A wave of crises engulfing countries all across the Middle East...

Fox News, 2014-08-01: In the Middle East, things are just basically falling apart...

Fox News, 2015-01-21: Big trouble in the country of Yemen...

CNN, 2015-01-25: The growing terrorism problem in Egypt...

CNN, 2015-02-09: Very, very gruesome and ugly battle over there...

Jon Stewart: [thumbs up, ironic smile] Here to help us make sense of it all is Egypt's foremost political satirist, host of the now banned television program Al-Bernameg, Bassem Youssef. Bassem, thanks for joining us! Welcome!

Bassem Youssef: Thank you, good to be here!

Jon Stewart: Bassem, obviously right now, the Middle East, spiraling out of control, so tell me, what should America do about this?

Bassem Youssef: Well, how about [big smile] — nothing? [audience laughs & cheers] Oh, thank you. Yes, I feel the love. Yes.

Jon Stewart: I, uh ... okay, we haven't tried that one yet.

Bassem Youssef: Yeah, we noticed. How do you think our region got this way in the first place? For decades, America propped up a "Who's Who" of military and theocratic dictators. [photos of the Shah of Iran, King Fahd of Saudi Arabia, Saddam Hussein of Iraq, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, and Gen. Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan] They gave you what you wanted: oil, airfields, oil, security arrangements, oil — and, let's not forget, [speaking softly, reaching across to Jon Stewart's hand] a few torture black sites.

Jon Stewart: Hey, hey! ... "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" [laughter]

Bassem Youssef: Ah, we know what you're into. "Mr. Grey will see you now..." [laughter] And in return, the dictators got someone their people could hate instead of them. When the garbage doesn't get picked up for a week back home, who do you think people blame?

Jon Stewart: I'm gonna go with the sanitation department.

Bassem Youssef: Exactly! We blame America. [laughter] So, you see, everybody gets what they want. It's a "win-win," Jon.

Jon Stewart: It's not a "win-win," Bassem. Not a "win-win." Not for the people; for them, it's a "lose-lose," and then no garbage pickup "lose."

Bassem Youssef: Oh, "the people" [scoffs]. You don't want them choosing their own government.

Jon Stewart: No! I — I don't??

Bassem Youssef: What if they elect someone America doesn't want? If you had a friend who was a manager at Best Buy, but he's always a total asshole, would you want him fired?

Jon Stewart: [hesitates] I mean, if I would lose my "friends and family" discount ... Ohhh. [laughter] You're saying the next guy might make us pay retail.

Bassem Youssef: If he even lets you in the store, Jon.

Jon Stewart: Well, you know what? That's okay. The people choose the wrong government ... we'll help them get it right. We'll send in a few tanks, maybe some boots on the ground, some advisors, you know, to ...

Bassem Youssef: Are you listening to yourself, Jon? Let it go. ♬ Let it go, let it go, slam the door and ... ♬

Jon Stewart: [covering his ears] I thought drones were the worst thing we exported to that region. That's ... whooo!

Bassem Youssef: The princess, she's the devil!

Jon Stewart: I know.

Bassem Youssef: Seriously, though, you can't let it go. America is like a dog with a hot spot on its butt, called the Middle East. And you think you have to keep licking it, but you're just making it worse! [laughter]

Jon Stewart: Are you saying — are you saying that America has to —

Bassem Youssef: Uh huh, yes! [brings out plastic cone]

Jon Stewart: Oh no, not the cone!

Bassem Youssef: You need the cone, Jon. America needs the cone. Yes.

Jon Stewart: We can't wear the cone! Son of a bitch! [applause and laughter] Wait a minute!

Bassem Youssef: What?

Jon Stewart: You're doing it, too! You're blaming America!

Bassem Youssef: What, me??

Jon Stewart: Yes! You are. You're pretending that we're responsible for all the Middle East's problems.

Bassem Youssef: [scoffs] No.

Jon Stewart: Admit it! That "hotspot on our butt" was festering before we even licked it!

Bassem Youssef: Gross! Ewwww!

Jon Stewart: Quit blaming the dog! The metaphor was yours. Look: America didn't create all the corruption that cripples Middle Eastern governments. We didn't establish the entire patriarchy or the medieval justice systems. You know what? I got a song for you, buddy! ♬ I'm so fancy ♬ No, that's not it. [laughter] [slaps desk] ♬ We didn't start the fire... ♬ — 'cause it was all fucked up before we even got there!

Bassem Youssef: Let it go!

Jon Stewart: Oh, stop! I'll ask you one more time: what should America do?

Bassem Youssef: Okay. We want you to fuck off and leave us alone. [cheers and applause]

Jon Stewart: All right. You know what? Fine! Fine. Done!

Bassem Youssef: Yeah! [pause] But not right away. [laughter] We could still use the aid money. And a few weapons. And some investments. What I'm saying is, if you could fuck gradually off, that would work better for everybody.

Jon Stewart: Bassem Youssef, everybody.
Click below for the full transcript in English • انقر هنا للحصول على النص الكامل باللغة الإنجليزية ...
#DailyShow #MiddleEast #BassemYoussef #باسم_يوسف

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