The Third Path

Colbert: Now, the other big winner [of the Pennsylvania primary], of course, was Hillary Clinton, who beat Obama by 10 points. (Suck it, "Hope"!) Hillary wasted no time in making the implications of this victory clear:

Hillary Clinton: The tide is turning! (2008-04-22, PA victory speech)

Colbert: Yes! No one could predict Hillary's win in Pennsylvania, just like no one can predict the tide! This — this changes everything.

[news clips: Hillary has "a new lease on life," allowing her to continue campaigning]

Colbert: It looks like Hillary Clinton could wrap this nomination up.

[news clips: Hillary can't possibly win: "It's almost impossible for her to get [the nomination]."]

Colbert: Exactly! Hillary is doing well enough to stay in the fight, but there's still no clear path to victory — which brings us to tonight's WØRD:

Iraq the Vote	Iraq the Vote
Folks, Hillary Clinton went into this campaign using many of the same strategies we used when we went to war	Like Getting New York Times Endorsement
For instance, she launched her run with overwhelming force, hoping to shock and awe her opponents with a massive victory on Super Tuesday, believing she would win a short, tidy battle and be greeted by the Democratic Party as a Liberator.	Prefers The Term "Progressivator"
But things didn't quite go as planned: there was unexpected resistance, and now the Democrats are mired in a self-destructive civil war. No one knows who will win.	Bet On The Side Clinging To Guns
Now, some have called for Hillary to withdraw, and maybe that would've been a sound strategy when she lost 12 primaries in a row —	Only 11 Of Them Bill's Fault
but lately, her surge is working.	Unlike Millions Of Americans
Unfortunately, the math is just against her — there just aren't enough states left for her to catch up in the delegate count or the popular vote. Again, our strategy in this war provides a good parallel:	Voters Feel Tortured
You see, when the Army started running out of soldiers, they simply lowered the standards for recruitment. [Reuters® news story: "Army, Marines allow more convicts to enlist," 2008-04-21 6:36pm EDT; pull quote: "...enlist people otherwise precluded by recruitment standards"]
So, if Hillary is running out of states, she should simply ask to lower the standards for statehood.	Lower Than Mississippi?
After we finish the 50 we've already got, she should extend the campaign to other states, because surely there's some other big state that could win her the nomination.	State of Denial
Now, I think one thing is clear: Hillary can't pull out. This is about honor.	Also, Flag Pins
And there's where I think she and McCain would agree: once you're in a fight that's cost this much, you have to stay in, even if it takes a hundred years. Remember: in both Iraq and the election, the goal is democracy, and what's more democratic than a campaign that never ends?	The Will Of The Majority?

Colbert: And that's THE WØRD; we'll be right back.

• Not that it matters in much of anything except the psychology of the race, but Senator Clinton did not win Pennsylvania by "double digits." She won by a margin of 9.31%, which rounds down to 9%, not up to 10%.
  
  
• The New York Times endorsed Hillary Clinton for the New York primary, but has since turned against her.
  
  
• Hillary Clinton has a valid point in asking why Barack Obama can't "close the deal" and convincingly end the race. However, it is equally valid to ask why Hillary Clinton has seen an almost unanswered string of superdelegates — including several who had previously endorsed her, or whose endorsement she expected — moving towards Obama.
  
  
• If Clinton believes that Obama cannot win in November, she clearly has not made that case. She has not delivered a knockout blow.
  
  
• If Clinton does not believe that Obama is doomed in the fall, she needs to bow to the clearly expressed will of the voters. As one of the talking heads said yesterday, in any other race, with this clear a mathematical near-certainty, the networks would long ago have "called" the race in Obama's favor.
  
  
• Even if Obama's candidacy is doomed, Clinton's would be even moreso. She can only get the nomination by pissing off the party activists, the voters, and a lot of the party bigshots — in other words, exactly the people she needs if she is to have any chance of winning in November.
  
  
• There is one respect in which Hillary Clinton is already trying to "lower the standards for statehood": part of her grand strategy for taking the lead in the popular vote is to win big in the State of Puerto Rico, where she is heavily favored, expecting to pick up a net gain of possibly hundreds of thousands of votes.

Colbert: Are you telling me there's no one in this theater who can fix the mess we're in?

[Hillary Clinton walks onto the stage]

Clinton: I can! I can, Stephen!

Colbert: Senator, thank you so much! Thank you, Senator.

[prolonged applause and cheering]

Clinton: Well, let me handle this. Jimmy?

Jimmy: Yes, Senator Clinton?

Clinton: About the screen: how are you feeding this? Through the router or the Aux bus on the switcher?

Jimmy: Uh ... it's an Aux.

Clinton: Try toggling the input.

Jimmy: O-kay.

[video resumes]

Colbert: Holy cow!

Clinton: You know what, Stephen? Your forehead is a little shiny. Makeup, Makeup, powder, please. [makeup person touches up Stephen's face]

Colbert: Wow, Senator Clinton, you're so prepared for any situation! I just don't know how to thank you enough!

Clinton: That's okay, Stephen; I just love solving problems. Call me any time.

Colbert: Really?

Clinton: Sure! Call me at 3 a.m.

Colbert: Senator Clinton, everybody. [applause] Wow. I am gonna call her at 3 a.m.; I'm sure she left her cellphone number.

Colbert: Consider this: Senator Obama has been endorsed by Ted Kennedy, Ted Kennedy is a Catholic, Catholics are led by the Pope, the Pope was a Nazi Youth — ergo, Barack Obama loves Hilter. Check ... mate!

Stephanopoulos: What we're going to do in this campaign is focus on what's important to the American people: on the jobs, on the education — that's what the American people care about. They want to move into the future; they don't want to be diverted by side issues.

Colbert: Congressman, thank you for joining us.

Murphy: Great to be with you.

Colbert: Now, you are the only member of Congress to have served in the present Iraq War.

Murphy: That's right: I was a Captain with the 82nd Airborne Division.

Colbert: All right, first of all, obviously, thank you for your service. Second, I don't want you to think that just because you have served and fought in Iraq, you have a better idea of what should happen there than me, okay? That is elitist thinking. Now, you're endorsing Barack Obama?

Murphy: That's right. That's right.

Colbert: Why are you supporting Barack Obama? He says he wouldn't've voted for the war that you volunteered for.

Murphy: That's right, and maybe we would've focused — continued to focus on Afghanistan, where Osama bin Laden is and Al Qaeda. Barack Obama, though, Stephen, he is the most inspirational leader I have ever met in my entire life. He gets Democrats and Republicans working together.

Colbert: It seems to me, though, that you're much more like Senator Clinton: you volunteered to go to war, and she volunteered to vote to send you to war, and both of you think the war is now a mistake, correct?

Murphy: Well, I'm a fan of Senator Clinton — I think she's very capable and I'm a fan.

Colbert: She's extremely capable — she fixed my screen!

Murphy: That's right. But I'm tellin' ya, I believe Barack Obama is a once-in-a-generation kind of leader, Stephen.

Colbert: Let's talk about the war for a second. The surge is working, correct?

Murphy: No, Stephen, the troops are heroes; they're doin' a great job, but it's the Iraqis that aren't working. In fact —

Colbert: But the surge is working.

Murphy: The surge is not —

Colbert: The surge is working. Those are three positive words: surge, is, working.

Murphy: But the surge was supposed to have the political reconciliation — they're sittin' on the sidelines. You know, Stephen, Prime Minister Maliki, elected in '05, says I'm gonna share the oil revenues with the minorities, the Sunnis. '06, said it; '07, said it; '08, said it. Has not done it. Actions speak louder than words.

Colbert: Let me ask you this, sir, in all seriousness. If there may be governmental chaos there, there might be bombing in the streets, the Iraqis might be leaving their posts in the military, but if we leave, wouldn't there be chaos?

Murphy: No. No, Stephen. You know what? That type of thinking, that's fear-mongering that the Bush Administration is trying to do. It's the same type of fear-mongering that the Nixon Administration said in Vietnam. The fact is, we need to bring our troops home.

Colbert: What is Baghdad like?

Murphy: It's hot. 138° heat [59°C]. I was in Al Rasheed, Baghdad, the same size as the city of Philadelphia, 1.5 million Iraqis.

Colbert: Really?

Murphy: Now, when you look at how short-handed we were, my father served as a cop for 22 years here in Philly, 7,000 police officers. There was only 3500 of us, in a combat zone, where we didn't speak the same language. And maybe if they would've gave us enough troops to begin with, maybe 19 of my fellow paratroopers would've came home, but they didn't.

Colbert: How long do you think the troops should stay in Iraq — 100 years or 1,000 years?

Murphy: I really believe Barack Obama has it right: call for a 16-month timeline, a phased redeployment to bring our troops home, and it will send a message, Stephen. It will send a message to the Iraqi government, they can't take any more summer vacations. Actions speak louder than words. Get them off the sidelines and start bringin' our troops home.

Colbert: Representative Murphy, thank you so much for joining us.

Murphy: Pleasure, Stephen.

Colbert: Patrick Murphy. His book is Taking the Hill: From Philly to Baghdad to the United States Congress. We'll be right back.

Wolf Blitzer: In the past, it's been Soccer Moms, Independents; this year it could be white males who decide the race for the White House.

Colbert: Finally, America's white men are being heard! And the candidates are attempting to address the issues important to the male Caucasian demographic: issues like drinking [clip of Hillary Clinton drinking a shot of whiskey 2008-04-12], bowling [clip of Barack Obama bowling 2008-03-29], and napping [clip of John McCain dozing off in the Senate 2008-01-23]. But who — who can really speak to them? Barack Obama has got a "lock" on African American votes and the young, Hillary Clinton has carved out her niche with older working-class women, but there is no one who truly speaks to the male white working-class voter. There was John Edwards, but let's face it: he's out of the race. Politically, he is no longer a factor to be reckoned with.

Edwards: I beg to differ, Stephen. [cheers and applause] And that brings us to tonight's EdWørds:

Valued Voter. You know, Stephen, you're right about white males playing an important role in this election. Their votes are being courted as an important tie-breaker between these two tough candidates,	• Valued Voter
and no white male's vote is being courted more vigorously than this one. [cheers and applause] It is no secret that both campaigns have sought my support.	• No Offense, Al Gore
So far, I haven't decided which of these excellent candidates I'm gonna endorse. On the one hand, I don't want to be seen as anti-hope;	• [photos of Obama and Clinton]
on the other hand, I don't want James Carville to bite me. So, who?, who am I gonna vote for in the next-to-last primary, North Carolina?	• Carville Hasn't Had Shots
Well, I'll support whoever presents a platform that's consistent with my values. I'll support the candidate who'll raise the federal minimum wage, somebody who'll fight for the 37 million Americans who wake up in poverty every day, somebody who'll protect the interests of working families.	• Universal Haircare
Also, I'd like a jet ski. They are so much fun,	• [photo of a jet ski]
and I don't really care which kind, [turns to look at bullet points] but those are pretty sweet. You know, Elizabeth and I love to go to the lake house in the summer, and it would sure be fun to go jet-skiing together. So I guess we'll actually need two jet skis, which reminds me:	• Kawasaki 800 SXR
there are two Americas: one which does the work and the other reaps the reward. [turns to bullet points] Hey! Hey! [cheers and applause]	• And a Third One That Gets Rich Suing The Second On Behalf Of The First
I understand! I understand what working folks go through. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before,	• Sorry, Had To Do It
but my father was a mill worker. So, you know what? Let's get him a jet ski! Now, before anybody starts goin' out there saying All John Edwards cares about are jet skis, that is not true — I am deeply concerned about the lack of affordable healthcare in this country. The fact that we need to insure every single man, woman, and child in America,	• 1,000,000th Mention [balloons and confetti]
goes without saying. But what does need to be said is that I will only support the candidate who promises to make me a spy. That would be so cool.	• Especially By McCain
I get to have all those high-tech gadgets. I want to go on at least one mission a month, and it should be some place awesome, like Prague or a moon base — although I'm willing to settle for Tahiti or the Riviera; anywhere there's a chance for a jet ski chase. But America should never settle for allowing so many to live in economic hardship.	• Pen That Launches Child-Care Tax Credits
If we put our minds to it, we can end poverty within thirty years.	• Bush Ended Middle Class In 8
I want my grandkids to be born in a world where true economic equality is no longer a goal for the future, but a reality of the present. Oh — and I want my face on money, Secret Service protection for my dogs, and three new national holidays: Cate Day, Jack Day, and Emma Claire Day.	• Grandkids Born In "Second Life"
Okay, kids, you can go to bed now. So, Barack, Hillary: if you want this white male vote,	• Or Else Daddy Won't Get You A Jet Ski.
you're gonna have to show that you care just as much about the things that really matter to me as I do. And that is the EdWørd.	• [photo of jet skis]

Colbert: Folks, that is it for the Report this week; I only wish Senator Obama could've joined us.

Obama: [on the giant video screen] So do I, Stephen.

Colbert: Senator Obama! Won't Senator Clinton be happy that she fixed our screen!

Obama: I'm sure she will, Stephen, I'm sure she will.

Colbert: Now, I enjoyed the debate last night, sir, though I have to take issue with you[r] calling some of the questions "manufactured political distractions."

Obama: Well, Stephen, I think the American people are tired of these games and petty distractions.

Colbert: Well, sir, speaking for the news media, I can tell you, we are not tired of it. It allows us to ask the same questions over and over again, and we don't do any more work.

Obama: Stephen, these distractions, they won't help fix our economy, they won't help people get healthcare, they won't help us get out of Iraq — Stephen, I would go so far as to say, I want to put these political distractions "on notice."

Colbert: What??

Obama: Boys, bring out the On Notice board.

Colbert: Senator, I have to warn you: I probably don't have a card for Distractions. Let me check here. Let's see, I've got Dimetapp®, Dionne Warwick, Deion Sanders, Dion-comma-Céline, Dirigibles — well, what do you know? Distractions: I actually have that. Okay, Senator, something's gonna have to come off; what should I remove?

Obama: Well, it can't be Grizzly Bears: they are the #1 threat to America.

Colbert: Good man! Good man.

Obama: So I think we should take off James Brady; he's a good guy.

Colbert: All right, all right, all right. All right, Brady, this is your lucky day! [removes James Brady from the top slot of the On Notice board] Okay, here we go. [inserts Distractions to the On Notice board] Distractions, I hope you're paying attention! WHAM! How does that taste?! [cheers and applause]

Obama: Manufactured political distractions, you are officially On Notice.

Colbert: Thank you, Senator Obama. Thank you, Philadelphia! I want to thank Ben Franklin, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton. I want to thank the good people at Doritos®. I want to thank you, Pennsylvania. We told you how to think, now go vote! Good night, everybody!

Sean Hannity: I want to go back to your comments about Reverend Wright, because —

Jack Kemp: Okay. [slight chuckle]

Hannity: This is really important here, though. I don't know — should I call you Quarterback or Congressman? I never know what to say, but, ah —

Kemp: Sir.

Hannity: Sir.

Kemp: Recovering politician.

Hannity: Okay, but there you go. Here's what's important: this comes down to — and you've seemed willing to give Barack Obama a pass that I'm not willing to give him, and let me explain this. This was his pastor for 20 years, the most incendiary anti-American language you would ever hear from the pulpit. He claims that he didn't know, but that he did know, but that he disinvited him to the invocation when he was announcing he's running for President here. Jack, I don't believe him, number one, and secondly, I question the judgment of this man.

Kemp: He denounced the racism. He denounced the anti-Israel statements of Rev. Wright. He denounced the off-the-wall belief that America is the worst killing machine —

Hannity: Yeah, but he sat there twenty years; do you really —

Kemp: He didn't believe that. I don't believe he — The Wall Street Journal, no "soft on liberals" editorial, said they don't for a minute think that he believed any of that stuff. So, look —

Hannity: No, no, no, no, that's not the question. [Barack Obama] is saying he didn't know. Now, this church, his pastor went to Tripoli with Louis Farrakhan —

Kemp: [loud sigh]

Hannity: No, Jack, this is important. They gave him a lifetime achievement award and said Farrkhan "epitomized greatness," and he didn't know any of this?

Kemp: Barack Obama didn't do any of that. Barack didn't do that.

Hannity: His church did. He didn't know his pastor was like this?

Kemp: [sigh] Sean, I can't do this every night with you. I mean, you and I disagree with this. I think he's denounced it. I disagree with so many of his positions. For instance, he blamed the lack of economic opportunity that young black men and women have. You know what? I agree with him. We have not done enough to democratize our capitalistic system, to make more capital available to start businesses. He wants to raise taxes on capital gains, dividends, income tax by 52%. He's gonna squeeze — not me, I'm already wealthy at 72. He's gonna squeeze the young black entrepreneur. He's hurting them.

Hannity: Let's go down this road, because I think this is important, and I know I'm pressin' ya —

Kemp: I don't want to stay on ad hominem attacks.

Hannity: I don't want an ad hominem argument here. I find it — I'll use the term that Hillary Clinton used about General Petraeus — this, for me, is the willing suspension of disbelief. And what I mean by this is, if he really didn't know his pastor had these associations with Farrakhan, he went to this church for twenty years, the pastor was saying these controversial things, as he would have us believe — We discovered and broke the story last night that he's friends with another pastor who has used "the N-word" repeatedly, talked about the mayor of Chicago as a "slavemaster" — It's very — I'm hard-pressed to think maybe he has some agreement with this, which is a scary scenario for a President.

Kemp: I don't think he does. He's in a tight spot, 'cause he's gotta answer this, again and again and again, particularly in the general. Having said that, I told you on your radio show this week that I hope that, if he is defeated, it's on the basis of bad economic policy, raising taxes, waving a white flag to our enemy in the Middle East, and things like that, not what Pastor Wright said.

Hannity: I think you've taken on the role of the "external conscience" of Sean Hannity. Boy, you've been after me a lot lately.

Kemp: I'm not "after you"; I'm a fan of yours, but I want to hold you accountable!

Hannity: I am accountable. I know my facts.

• The Florida Democratic Party. Knowing that the Democratic National Committee would not seat delegates based on a primary held before Super Tuesday, they went right ahead and held the primary early and did nothing to prepare for the shocking and unexpected result that the DNC refuses to seat delegates based on a primary that intentionally flouted the rules. They continued to press for a result that cannot and will not happen — seating the delegates as if it had been a valid election — and then blamed lack of time when they couldn't reach a solution that would allow Florida's voters to be heard in the selection of a nominee.
  
  
• New Hampshire and Iowa. These two states demand that their contests precede all other primaries and caucuses. They're not representative of the country, they're not representative of the Democratic Party, and there's no reason they should be permanently in the catbird seat. The arguments about "retail politics" and the way that voters in those two states take super-seriously their responsibility to lead the pack in selecting nominees, are hogwash. The DNC needs to shuffle the primary deck, perhaps choosing four states at random for pre-Super-Tuesday contests, with no preference at all for New Hampshire or Iowa.
  
  
• Hillary Clinton's campaign. Immediately after the vote which they had agreed would not count, the Clinton campaign, including the candidate herself, began a full-court press to have the votes count. They are intent on changing the rules in the middle of the game, and also on disenfranchising the voters in Florida (and Michigan) who stayed home because everyone agreed in advance that those primaries were meaningless. They're even threatening to go to court to compel the DNC to seat the delegates from Florida, in a cynical effort to game the system to give them a victory in court that they couldn't achieve fairly at the ballot box. I was already leaning towards Obama for other reasons, but the Clinton campaign's rhetoric about the Florida primary cements my negative opinion of her candidacy.
  
  
• The Democratic National Committee. As soon as Florida and Michigan announced their illegal primaries, the DNC should have been working behind the scenes to create a fallback plan that would allow those states to seat legally chosen delegates. It's as if the DNC is trying to shoot the Party in the foot by doing everything it can to ensure a nasty floor fight at the Convention. The old Will Rogers quote is no excuse for this level of disorganization.

[Colbert intro, reminiscing about "Crushing Democratic Disappointments," specifically focusing on 1972.]

Stephen Colbert: '72, I remember that: the year the Democrats spurned establishment candidate Hubert Humphrey and gave the Presidential nomination to anti-war populist George McGovern. Sound familiar? Well, tonight we take a look back, in a Colbert Réport "Special ReporT": The 1972 Democrats — Alone Again, Naturally.

[Colbert goes on to give a pop culture snapshot of the time: cartoons, rock stars, and...]

Colbert: Democratic politics were more radical than ever, thanks to South Dakota Senator and long-haired hippie freak, George McGovern. Listen to him spew his anti-Vietnam hate:

McGovern: We do not understand why it was necessary to continue the war over the past 4 years, but whatever their motives, if the [Nixon] Administration can bring off a settlement of this war, they'll have my full support and cooperation in any effort that can lead to peace. [1972]

Colbert: Allow me to summarize: Viet Cong, take our daughters. McGovern had run previously in 1968, but the party establishment gave the nomination to Hubert Humphrey, even though Humphrey had not won one single primary.

Hubert Humphrey: I proudly accept the nomination of our party. [August 1968]

Colbert: "Aaand I accept having my ass handed to me by Richard Nixon." You see, the infighting at the 1968 Chicago convention had fractured the Democratic Party, along with a lot of hippies' skulls. But in 1972, thanks to campaign reforms led by wild-eyed bomb thrower Senator George McGovern, all it took to win the Democratic nomination was to be the voters' favorite candidate, and that's exactly what McGovern did. Leapfrogging establishment candidates Ed Muskie and Hubert Humphrey, just because more people liked him. What kind of people?

Archie Bunker: What are you gonna do with your around about $200?

Meathead: Well, that I'd like to use for something really important.

Archie: Like what?

Meathead: Like giving it to the McGovern campaign.
[All in the Family, CBS, 1972]

Colbert: Now, if Meathead had sensibly invested that $200 in U.S. Savings Bonds in 1972, today he'd have $250. McGovern was on the wrong side of progress: the progressive side. He was pro-Civil Rights, pro-Women's Rights, pro-Gay Rights, and pro-Seniors' Rights. But at a time when you could buy technology like this [photo of early L.E.D. digital watch] for only $2,000, anything seemed possible. So this "free love acid freak" used his flaming rhetoric to exploit his supporters' sick fetish for not getting killed in Southeast Asia.

McGovern: We've taken all these risks on the side of war, and it's accomplished two things: it's killed more of our people, and the other side has taken more of our prisoners. [1972-05-30, NBC]

Colbert: Two accomplishments, Senator? What about Rambo?? [mouths and gestures "Three."] Luckily, some patriotic Democrats stabbed him in the back. Humphrey said McGovern would destroy America's military, and launched a fight at the convention that left McGovern only 48 hours to find a running mate, so McGovern chose Missouri Senator Thomas Eagleton, who, it was revealed two weeks later, had undergone electric shock treatment for depression. McGovern might as well've picked this guy. President Nixon was able to campaign against McGovern, using the exact same charges Humphrey and other Democrats had used, and on election day, McGovern won Massachusetts, but all the American states were won by Richard Nixon. And Nixon was re-elected to an historic 1½-year term. McGovern had been stopped; America was safe.

Colbert: Some say McGovern's story in 1972 has parallels to the campaign today:

David Gergen: John McCain's going to go after Barack Obama as sort of the George McGovern of 1972. [Anderson Cooper 360°, CNN, 2008-02-27]

Bob Novak: He is a Leftist, he is another McGovern, he is far to the Left. [Hannity & Colmes, Fox "News", 2008-03-06]

Pat Buchanan: George McGovern got the youth vote, the sort of idealism, the passion, "all things can be done," and we know what happened to McGovern. [Hardball, MSNBC, 2008-02-05]

Colbert: It's true: the similarities are striking. [picture of McGovern, overlaid with Obama's tribal costume from his visit to Africa] When we return, my distinguished guest, extremist and possibly Muslim Senator, George McGovern. We'll be right back.

[commercial break]

Colbert: My guest tonight was a Presidential candidate in 1972. Good thing he lost to Nixon, or he would've been impeached for Watergate. Please welcome Senator George McGovern.

Colbert: Senator, thank you so much for joining us.

Senator George McGovern (D–SD): My pleasure.

Colbert: That kind of accolade, is that what you get when you accept the nomination for President? Does it feel like that?

McGovern: Well, you never get too much of it.

Colbert: You can't overdose on praise.

McGovern: You cannot overdose.

Colbert: Yeah, in punditry or politics. Now, before we go on, I want to offer my show as a forum. Would you care to confess anything about your involvement in a prostitution ring, before we go forward?

McGovern: I think I'll leave that to you.

Colbert: Okay, good. You have a book called Out of Iraq: A practical plan for withdrawal now. You are seen — certainly my memory of you is the ultimate "peace candidate": you were against the war in Vietnam, I assume from this [book] you're against the war in Iraq — unless it's out of Iraq and into Iran? No? Syria? Okay, just checking, just checking. Is there any kind of war you would support?

McGovern: Yes. When I was 19 years old, I volunteered to be a bomber pilot in World War II. I believed in that war then; I still do: Hitler was an incredible monster.

Colbert: Well, Hitler, yeah, I mean, that's easy. That's a gimme. You guys were so lucky to have World War II — it had Nazis in it! It was so obviously the right war!

McGovern: That's why I supported it.

Colbert: These days, we've got these tricky wars. We can't figure out why exactly we're in there, and we have to, you know, "stick by the President."

McGovern: Well, I think the President is wrong. I thought he was wrong to go in there. I opposed this war in Iraq before we went in. So did the President's father [George H.W. Bush-41], so did the President's father's Secretary of State [James Baker] and his National Security Advisor, General [Brent] Scowcroft — the whole team opposed it, except for the youngest son. [apparently intended as a reference to George W. Bush, although he is the oldest son, followed by Jeb, Neil, and Marvin, plus daughter Dorothy]

Colbert: But, you've said that, though you fought in World War II, that you do not believe the United States should be fighting in stupid and unnecessary wars.

McGovern: Yeah, like Vietnam, like Iraq. The one thing those two countries had in common with each other is that neither one was the slightest threat to the United States.

Colbert: Weapons of Mass Destruction, sir.

McGovern: There weren't any Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Colbert: But we did not know that until we went in. We did not know.

McGovern: The international inspectors, who were in there for several years, were unable to find any.

Colbert: Right. They could not find the lack of them, because they could always have been hidden somewhere else. That's accepted wisdom, at this point.

McGovern: That could be true of any country.

Colbert: Exactly — I got my eye on ... Belgium. I guess my point is, if we don't fight stupid and unnecessary wars, isn't that going to cut down on most wars?

McGovern: I think it would. I think it would've eliminated most of the wars of the 20th century, with the exception of World War II: that was a war we had to fight.

Colbert: Now, a comparison is made between Barack Obama's call for us to get out of Iraq and him being perceived as the sort of idealist anti-war candidate, and your candidacy of 1972. Do you think that is in any way a fair comparison?

McGovern: I don't think either Barack Obama or George McGovern are unreasonable idealists. I think we're realists who looked at the facts: a country that was causing us no trouble, there was no particular terrorism in Iraq, people weren't killing each other by the tens of thousands in Iraq. We had it fairly well contained; we should've left it alone.

Colbert: But the reality is, we did go to war, so if you say we shouldn't have gone to war, aren't you living in some sort of ideal world where we hadn't? Aren't you, by definition, an idealist?

McGovern: Well, I don't mind being called an idealist if you will concede that idealists can also be realistic.

Colbert: I will not concede anything. You're on the wrong show. Can an idealist win the Presidency? Who's the last idealist who got in?

McGovern: I would say that the two most famous ones are probably Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln — one a Democrat and one a Republican. I'm doing a book on Lincoln's Presidency, and if that man wasn't an idealist, I don't know what idealism means. He lived by the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Bill of Rights; to me, those are all ideals that are worthy of a great President.

Colbert: You were in a very protracted Democratic convention fight in '68 and again in '72; did that really harm you, and could it harm Hillary or Obama, if they attack back and forth?

McGovern: It really did harm us in '72, because all of the candidates that I had defeated, ganged up on me to try to take the California delegation away from us, and that hurt. We needed that time to get ready for the convention, to pick a running mate, with plenty of time to look at the various possibilities, and I think that really hurt us a lot. I think it helped deliver the election to Richard Nixon.

Colbert: Are you supporting anybody this time around?

McGovern: I endorsed Hillary last October. I've known her for 35 years; I think she'd be a good President. I want to quickly add, I didn't know Barack Obama at that time, but I've been very impressed with him as a candidate, and —

Colbert: Are you a superdelegate?

McGovern: No, I'm not a superdelegate.

Colbert: Aw, I was hoping to get one of those guys.

McGovern: I'm just a plain old citizen.

Colbert: Last question, sir, and I'm sure you've gotten this before: Are you on acid right now?

McGovern: Am I what?

Colbert: Are you, are you — [to audience:] no, no, I wanna get it right. Are you on acid right now?

McGovern: Well, you may think I need it, but I haven't had any.

Colbert: Senator McGovern, thank you so much. Senator George McGovern; the book is Out of Iraq. We'll be right back.

1. How do we get all U.S. troops (sorry, I mean "coalition forces") out of Iraq, as quickly as possible, but with the minimum possible further mayhem left in our wake?
   
   
2. How can we encourage other countries and the Iraqi people themselves to step into the void in a way that helps Iraq return as quickly as possible to security and prosperity?
   

[Colbert chastises the audience for showing up the Pundits who predicted McCain in '08 (two years ago), Clinton and Giuliani in '08 (four months ago), and Obama and Huckabee in '08 (four days ago), by voting for Clinton.]

Stephen Colbert: I mean, if you [the American people] keep voting the way you want, rather than the way we tell you you want, well then, pundits are just gonna stop tellin' you how to think. [audience cheers] No, no, no. I'm mad! You know what? I'm gonna give you a little taste of your own medicine, right now. The next big contest is South Carolina; I happen to be from South Carolina, I happen to know how you'd like to vote there, but I'm not gonna tell you what you want. I'm not gonna tell you who. the winner. of. South Carolina. should be. [pause] Joining me now — live from South Carolina — is the Republican front-runner, and the man who will win, Mike Huckabee!

Gov. Mike Huckabee (R–AR): Hello, Stephen, I hope you're doing well, and I hope you're ready to take it all the way to the White House, 'cause you know, you promised me you would be my running mate.

Colbert: Sir, I am so glad to hear you honor that promise. I was afraid that maybe I was gonna have to let you out of that.

Huckabee: I will keep that promise because, after all, the only reason that I'm the front-runner now is because of the "Colbert bump." If it were not for that, I would not be sitting in this chair, I would be probably somewhere serving hamburgers at a drive-in restaurant.

Colbert: Hamburgers, or Huckaburgers?

Huckabee: They would be Huckaburgers: whole-wheat bun, lean beef, and very carefully selected organic vegetables to go in the Huckaburger.

Colbert: Let me talk about one something for a second here, sir: when you asked me to be your running mate, I jumped on board when you were less than 1%. Obviously, I was thrilled to see you take the whole shootin' match in Iowa, but I gotta say, I'm underwhelmed about New Hampshire: third place? You might have to re-sell me.

Huckabee: Just two weeks ago, we were like in sixth place, so we saw dramatic move and momentum, just in a very short period of time.

Colbert: Umm, McCain: he's got "big mo,"if you pardon the expression. How are you gonna stop him? You're a man of the Faith; he said he will hunt Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell — will you hunt Osama bin Laden all the way into Hell?

Huckabee: And beyond. I will charge Hell with a water pistol, if necessary.

Colbert: Okay, let's go over some policy things; I want to make sure we're on the same page here. Do we both still feel that Evolution is a farce?

Huckabee: Huckabee: It's all a farce.

Colbert: Good to hear it. Are we the candidates who think that the Devil and Jesus were brothers?

Huckabee: Uh, no. That's not us. But I'll send you a memo on that, and I'll underline the parts in red that we need to believe.

Colbert: You knew that. Where do you stand on global warming?

Huckabee: I do think we've gotta be better stewards of the environment, and, frankly, we need to take better care of this planet.

Colbert: You know what I say? I say we hit the Environment hard, before it hits us. It's payback for earthquakes and hurricanes. [pause] How 'bout outsourcing jobs?

Huckabee: As long as it isn't mine.

Colbert: Ditto! Now, there's criticism of you, that you do not have foreign policy experience. That's how I can balance the ticket for you, because I've been overseas — I've been to Sandals Resort in Jamaica, I've been to Sandals Resort in the Bahamas, I've been to Sandals Resort in Barbados, I've been to Epcot.

Huckabee: That oughta take care of it.

Colbert: Can I take you to task for something that, I gotta say, alarms me. You are being attacked, and I think in this case rightfully so, for not being harsh enough on illegal immigrants. Is it true that you do not support building a pneumatic tube to fire Mexicans back to Guadalajara?

Huckabee: [laughs vigorously]

Colbert: 'Cause I heard that you're not supporting that.

Huckabee: No, I don't support that; I'm not quite that harsh.

Colbert: Let's talk money problems. Do you have the cash to go all the distance here? I mean, Romney's got all kinds of money. If you're trying to raise a little scratch, South Carolina gun laws are so loose, you can go into any gun shop and buy as many handguns as you want, and just ship 'em up here to New York and sell 'em on the streets illegally and raise some serious scratch.

Huckabee: How do you think I financed my campaign for the past 11 months?

Colbert: Smart man! Pick me up a couple?

Huckabee: [nods] On their way. What kind would you like?

Colbert: Something with the serial number scratched off!

Huckabee: Consider it done.

Colbert: I know you're a man of your word — you would never rescind your offer of making me your Vice President, no matter how well you do in the campaign, but I want to let you know, I believe in you, I believe in what you're doing, I'm gonna give you this opportunity to get out of it with honor. Just ask me, one more time, I'll say no, and then, you know, then you can pick somebody else. Go ahead.

Huckabee: Stephen, please, be my running mate.

Colbert: YES! Yes, a thousand times, yes! [audience laughs] I've got my hooks in you, mister! I will see you at the altar.

Huckabee: Uh, we're not taking it that far.

Colbert: Huckabee, good luck down there, stay strong, be brave, and remember, stay a Hucka-be, not a Hucka-was.

Huckabee: Thank you, Stephen.

Colbert: Thank you, sir. Mike Huckabee, everybody.

• I would very much like to know, and therefore I call upon Mike Huckabee to disclose, to what extent The Colbert Réport prepped him for the interview. If Huckabee knew the questions in advance, he still handled them well, but if he was doing improv on the spot, then it was especially impressive.
  
  
• In the unlikely event that Huckabee is nominated as President, the selection of his running mate will have more immediate impact than usual, simply because the way Huckabee backs out of his repeated commitment to Stephen Colbert will say a lot about his character and fitness to be President. Sure, he can say, "It was all in a spirit of fun on a program of satire," but the details will matter. Anyone in politics who underestimates the power of Stephen Colbert will learn to regret it.
  
  
• I think that Huckabee's comment that he would "charge Hell with a water pistol, if necessary," in the hunt for Osama bin Laden, speaks more to a fundamental understanding of the struggle against Al Qaeda than any of the façade of macho posturing from the likes of Romney and Giuliani about the extremes to which they would cheerfully go to defeat those extremists.
  
  
• I agree with Gov. Huckabee and the character of Stephen Kohl-Behr that the [Mormon] belief that Jesus and the Devil are brothers is almost as absurd as the [Scientology®] belief that an interstellar overlord exiled prisoners' "thetans" on earth. However, I saw a quote today that pretty well sums up my attitude towards "mainline" Christianity, and especially fundamentalist Christianity:

  CHRISTIANITY: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree... y