Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Transcript: Bassem Youssef on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart: Welcome back. Now that we know that everything we hold dear in this world ... is a lie!! — especially about the Middle East — it makes you wonder, what IS going on over there?
Wolf Blitzer, CNN, 2014-01-23: A wave of crises engulfing countries all across the Middle East...
Fox News, 2014-08-01: In the Middle East, things are just basically falling apart...
Fox News, 2015-01-21: Big trouble in the country of Yemen...
CNN, 2015-01-25: The growing terrorism problem in Egypt...
CNN, 2015-02-09: Very, very gruesome and ugly battle over there...
Jon Stewart: [thumbs up, ironic smile] Here to help us make sense of it all is Egypt's foremost political satirist, host of the now banned television program Al-Bernameg, Bassem Youssef. Bassem, thanks for joining us! Welcome!
Bassem Youssef: Thank you, good to be here!
Jon Stewart: Bassem, obviously right now, the Middle East, spiraling out of control, so tell me, what should America do about this?
Bassem Youssef: Well, how about [big smile] — nothing? [audience laughs & cheers] Oh, thank you. Yes, I feel the love. Yes.
Jon Stewart: I, uh ... okay, we haven't tried that one yet.
Bassem Youssef: Yeah, we noticed. How do you think our region got this way in the first place? For decades, America propped up a "Who's Who" of military and theocratic dictators. [photos of the Shah of Iran, King Fahd of Saudi Arabia, Saddam Hussein of Iraq, Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, and Gen. Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan] They gave you what you wanted: oil, airfields, oil, security arrangements, oil — and, let's not forget, [speaking softly, reaching across to Jon Stewart's hand] a few torture black sites.
Jon Stewart: Hey, hey! ... "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" [laughter]
Bassem Youssef: Ah, we know what you're into. "Mr. Grey will see you now..." [laughter] And in return, the dictators got someone their people could hate instead of them. When the garbage doesn't get picked up for a week back home, who do you think people blame?
Jon Stewart: I'm gonna go with the sanitation department.
Bassem Youssef: Exactly! We blame America. [laughter] So, you see, everybody gets what they want. It's a "win-win," Jon.
Jon Stewart: It's not a "win-win," Bassem. Not a "win-win." Not for the people; for them, it's a "lose-lose," and then no garbage pickup "lose."
Bassem Youssef: Oh, "the people" [scoffs]. You don't want them choosing their own government.
Jon Stewart: No! I — I don't??
Bassem Youssef: What if they elect someone America doesn't want? If you had a friend who was a manager at Best Buy, but he's always a total asshole, would you want him fired?
Jon Stewart: [hesitates] I mean, if I would lose my "friends and family" discount ... Ohhh. [laughter] You're saying the next guy might make us pay retail.
Bassem Youssef: If he even lets you in the store, Jon.
Jon Stewart: Well, you know what? That's okay. The people choose the wrong government ... we'll help them get it right. We'll send in a few tanks, maybe some boots on the ground, some advisors, you know, to ...
Bassem Youssef: Are you listening to yourself, Jon? Let it go. ♬ Let it go, let it go, slam the door and ... ♬
Jon Stewart: [covering his ears] I thought drones were the worst thing we exported to that region. That's ... whooo!
Bassem Youssef: The princess, she's the devil!
Jon Stewart: I know.
Bassem Youssef: Seriously, though, you can't let it go. America is like a dog with a hot spot on its butt, called the Middle East. And you think you have to keep licking it, but you're just making it worse! [laughter]
Jon Stewart: Are you saying — are you saying that America has to —
Bassem Youssef: Uh huh, yes! [brings out plastic cone]
Jon Stewart: Oh no, not the cone!
Bassem Youssef: You need the cone, Jon. America needs the cone. Yes.
Jon Stewart: We can't wear the cone! Son of a bitch! [applause and laughter] Wait a minute!
Bassem Youssef: What?
Jon Stewart: You're doing it, too! You're blaming America!
Bassem Youssef: What, me??
Jon Stewart: Yes! You are. You're pretending that we're responsible for all the Middle East's problems.
Bassem Youssef: [scoffs] No.
Jon Stewart: Admit it! That "hotspot on our butt" was festering before we even licked it!
Bassem Youssef: Gross! Ewwww!
Jon Stewart: Quit blaming the dog! The metaphor was yours. Look: America didn't create all the corruption that cripples Middle Eastern governments. We didn't establish the entire patriarchy or the medieval justice systems. You know what? I got a song for you, buddy! ♬ I'm so fancy ♬ No, that's not it. [laughter] [slaps desk] ♬ We didn't start the fire... ♬ — 'cause it was all fucked up before we even got there!
Bassem Youssef: Let it go!
Jon Stewart: Oh, stop! I'll ask you one more time: what should America do?
Bassem Youssef: Okay. We want you to fuck off and leave us alone. [cheers and applause]
Jon Stewart: All right. You know what? Fine! Fine. Done!
Bassem Youssef: Yeah! [pause] But not right away. [laughter] We could still use the aid money. And a few weapons. And some investments. What I'm saying is, if you could fuck gradually off, that would work better for everybody.
Jon Stewart: Bassem Youssef, everybody.
Click below for the full transcript in English • انقر هنا للحصول على النص الكامل باللغة الإنجليزية ...
#DailyShow #MiddleEast #BassemYoussef #باسم_يوسف
short URL for this entry: <http://TinyURL.com/bassem2015a>
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Jon Stewart rips Congress and the media for ducking the ISIS war debate
This is an unauthorized rush transcript of the lead segment of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Thursday, September 25, 2014 (2014-09-25). [Source video copyright ©2014 Comedy Central]
Jon Stewart: Breaking news today: Attorney General Eric Holder stepping down after nearly six years on the job.
President Obama: Eric has agreed to stay on as attorney general until I nominate a successor and that successor is confirmed by the Senate.
Stewart: [exaggeratedly] So. he. will. never. leave. [laughter] Because not only is Congress slow to move on any confirmation hearings, currently they're. busy. shitting. their. pants.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), 2014-09-20: ISIS is a threat.
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY, Senate Minority Leader), 2014-08-28: They have the potential to hit us here at home.
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA), 2014-09-21: They have killed thousands, they are marching on...
Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI), 2014-09-21: We can't bury our head in the sands [sic] on this...
Sen. Kay Hagan (D-NC), 2014-09-03: Action must be taken.
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), 2014-09-14: This President needs to rise to the occasion before we all get killed back here at home!
Stewart: [affecting a Southern belle] All of us killed! ALL of us!! We'll be as dead as the art of how to properly squire a lady at cotillion. [stage whisper] (Always bring an extra pair of gloves, for punch can spill!)
So, we appear to be facing an existential threat, urging the President to act, but I was under the impression CONGRESS could also do something about this. Like, uh, uh, Declare. War.
television reporter on C-SPAN, 2014-09-11, to Rep. John Boehner (R-OH, Speaker of the House): If the Congress is such an equal partner — as it is — why not write a resolution on your own?
Speaker Boehner: Typically, in my time here in Congress, that's NOT how this has happened. [... flash cut ...] The President of the United States would REQUEST that support, AND would supply the wording of a resolution to authorize this force. And at this point in time we've not gotten that request, we've not seen that language.
Stewart: We would LOVE to help stop the greatest threat our country has ever known — [laughter] — but not if it means we're going to be RUDE. We're not gonna be rude! That would be gauche. But at least Congress can agree on one thing... [sigh/laugh] I'm just kidding; they can't.
Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV, Senate Majority Leader), 2014-09-10: [on the Senate floor] The President HAS the authority he needs now to act against ISIS.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) on Fox News, 2014-09-10: The President should come to Congress and ASK for authorization...
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), 2014-09-11: [from the Capitol building] The President has the authority to immediately act... [sic, split infinitive and all]
Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT) on Andrea Mitchell Reports on MSNBC, 2014-08-29: I think the President has to come to Congress.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) on Andrea Mitchell Reports on MSNBC, 2014-09-11: I believe he [President Obama] has the authority to move on it.
Leader McConnell (R-KY), 2014-09-09: [with other Republican Senators behind him] The President should be seeking Congressional approval, PERIOD.
Stewart: It is so heartening to see Congress, usually gridlocked along partisan lines, finally reaching across the aisle and COMING TOGETHER to get nothing done. [laughter] Or, is there something else going on here?
Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD) on C-SPAN, 2014-09-12: I think, at some point in time, when we come back, after the elections, I think there will be a CONSIDERATION of a larger authorization for the use of force.
Stewart: AFTER the midterms! We'll do it after the midterms! We won't deal with the country's Existential Threat until Congress deals with ITS Existential Threat. All right.
[graphic: map of Syria indicating recent bombing sites, a warplane, and the Capitol dome; caption: THE WAY WE WAR]
So, what we've got here is an incredibly complicated Constitutional conundrum — what James Madison in Federalist #51 referred to as "a total pigf*#k." [laughter] WHICH branch of government has the power to take us to war?? Is this even a "war" at all? If it isn't a war, then what is it?? NOW is the time for an adult conversation about how our government makes its most important decisions and functions in crisis. And to lead that discussion, I give you Our National Media.
Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, Fox News, 2014-09-24: [video of President Obama stepping out of the Marine One Presidential helicopter, saluting two Marines while holding a cup in his right hand and fixing his suit with his left hand, caption: LATTE SALUTE]: President Obama's so-called "latte salute"...
voiceover, Al Jazeera English, undated: [similar video footage] Holding a coffee cup in his right hand....
Megyn Kelly, The Kelly File, Fox News, undated: The great coffee escapade...
Rev. Al Sharpton, Politics Nation, MSNBC, undated: "Coffee-gate"
voiceover, Fox 5 New York, MyFoxNY.com: [similar video footage, caption: THE "COFFEE" SALUTE] President Obama in hot water....
voiceover, The Five, Fox News, undated: [similar video footage] Some people think it was disrespectful...
voiceover, Al Jazeera English: Hashtag #LatteSalute
Ronan Farrow, Ronan Farrow Daily, MSNBC, 2014-09-24: [caption: "Controversy in a cup: Latte Salute"] The coffee salute — went viral.
Andrea Mitchell, Andrea Mitchell Reports, MSNBC, undated: [caption: "Strike on Syria: U.S. launched more strikes in Syria and Iraq overnight"] This is blowing up online...
Stewart: We are so fucked! [laughter] I don't even know what to do. [cheering] First of all, we're currently fighting — if I may say — so, apparently we're currently fighting ISIS and Ebola, two things that are LITERALLY "blowing up" and "going viral." So, if you're NOT going to cover the important stuff, at least don't use words that REMIND US of the important stuff you're not covering.
[graphic: Obama and Marines cut out and dropped against the Presidential seal, caption: CUP IN THE AIR]
Okay, now, to be fair, latte-gate wasn't ALL the news talked about yesterday, but where I might have given the President salutes with coffee cups an espresso-sized shot of attention, the news channels went for the full double venti coverage, with ONE network going ESPECIALLY deep.
[quick succession of video clips: News Nation with Tamron Hall, CNN political commentator Margaret Hoover, abc7 NYC "The World News Now Mix", CNN clip, Today Show with caption: President's "coffee cup" salute draws criticism]
Sandra Smith, The Five, Fox News, 2014-09-24: LEARN the proper respect of the salute...
Karl Rove, Fox News, 2014-09-23, 10:19p EDT/7:19p PDT: [caption: "Unpresidential"] It's insensitive!
Stuart Varney, Fox News, "Minding your Business" segment, 2014-09-24, 12:28p EDT/9:28a PDT: [caption: Pres. Obama saluted Marines using a coffee cup in his right hand] What's the meaning of it?? That's it...
Brian Kilmeade, Fox & Friends, Fox News, 2014-09-24: It looks terrible...
Dr. Keith Ablow, Fox News, 2014-09-24, 12:27p EDT/9:27a PDT: [credited as "Fox News Medical A-Team" on "Minding your Business" segment] It's outlandish! And it's disappointing...
Steve Doocy, Fox & Friends, Fox News: PUT your coffee in the other hand...
Sean Hannity, Hannity, Fox News: Our commander-in-chief displayed his COMPLETE disrespect for the men and women in uniform...
Stewart: [stage whisper] Shut! Up! [cheers and applause] You don't really care — [cheers and applause] You don't really care about this. You have no principle about this. You're just trying to score points in a game that no one else is playing. Here's how we know:
Eric Bolling, The Five, Fox News, 2014-09-24: [caption: Criticism brewing over Pres Obama's informal salute to Marines while holding a latte] It's an arrogance that he portrays [... flash cut ...] These people put their lives on the line for us — [female voiceover: You're right!] — show the respect, salute these guys.
Stewart: So, the principle here is "Show respect for the people who are putting their lives on the line for this fight." Here's Eric Bolling on that VERY SAME episode:
Kimberly Guilfoyle, "One More Thing" segment: [caption: UAE's 1st female fighter pilot was country's team leader in Syria strikes; still photo montage of fighter pilot giving thumb's up, etc.] The first female pilot flying for the U.A.E. [United Arab Emirates] [... flash cut ...] dropped the bombs on ISIS on Monday night [... flash cut ...]
Eric Bolling: Would that be considered "boobs on the ground," or no?
Stewart: First of all, FORGET the rapant sexism in that statement. Second of all, she's a PILOT, so whatever gender-specific equipment she might be carrying — is in the fuckin' air! [laughter] And thirdly, what was the quote that someone said earlier in your program? These people are putting their LIVES ON THE LINE for us; show RESPECT. So, FUCK YOU and all your false patriotism! [cheering] When Bush took us to war, [cheering continues] any criticism was shouted down as TREASONOUS. When Bush took us to war, any criticism was shouted down as treasonous, but a President YOU don't like has the country poised on the same precipice, and no transgression — no matter how IMMATERIAL and RIDICULOUS — is too small to cite as evidence that this President "isn't as American" as you are. You want a hot cup of cognitive dissonance? Watch this!
Sean Hannity, Hannity, Fox News, 2014-09-23, 10:19p EDT, split screen with guest Karl Rove: Would President Bush ever DO THAT??
Karl Rove: Yeah, are we surprised? [flash cut in background video as it loops] I mean, we've got a chai-swillin', golf-playin', basketball trash-talkin', uh, "leadin' from behind," "I got no strategy," uh, "Osama bin Laden is dead, GM is alive," community-organizing commander-in-chief. HOW DISRESPECTFUL WAS THAT?
Stewart: Yeah, yeah, now, while "Palin-in-a-bald-cap" [Karl Rove] was feeding us a steaming bowl of liberal epithets, [mockingly] "He drinks chai!" So that means when he sucks dick in the back of a Volvo, it has that "cardamom zing"!
But in their haste, they forgot to ANSWER THE QUESTION: Would. President. Bush. ever salute the troops with a cup of coffee in his hand?? And the answer is NO!, because HIS HANDS were too filled with DOG [photo of President Bush holding one of his dogs while saluting] — a SCOTTIE, out of RESPECT. So, here we've got two Presidents, both sending the United States to war, citing the same legal authorities, BOTH, without any seeming exit strategy, and both holding shit in their hands while saluting our troops.
But in their diseased minds [photos of Keith Ablow, Sean Hannity, Karl Rove, and Steve Doocy], ONLY ONE did that because he loved America. The OTHER did it because HE HATED IT!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Transcript: Capt. Ron Johnson press conf in Ferguson MO 2:21 A.M. 2014-08-19
Captain Ron Johnson of the Missouri Highway Patrol made a statement and answered some questions at an impromptu press conference at 2:21 A.M. on Tuesday, August 19, 2014, regarding the events of Monday night. You can watch the video here on KMOV.com St. Louis; what follows below the fold is a transcript of the whole thing. I have added emphasis in an attempt to reflect Capt. Johnson's vocal inflection.
Read more »
Friday, June 20, 2014
Transcript of Jon Stewart and Hamid al-Bayati 2014-06-19
Read more »
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Debunking an "Obama is anti-Christianity" screed
Here is my point-by-point refutation of those claims, leaving them as a smoldering ruin.
Read more »
Monday, April 22, 2013
Transcript: Colbert’s Take on the Bush Presidential Library
[clip from CNN, 4:57 PM: the George W. Bush Library will open to the public on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013‑05‑01.]
That’s right: May 1st, 10 years to the day since George Bush famously landed on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln and declared “Mission Accomplished.” Which means the library will be finished in another 8½ years. Nation, I am so pumped! Because this thing is gonna be packed with Bush-nography: [quoting ABC-6 Action News 6abc.com from WPVI‑TV in Philadelphia] “More than 43,000 artifacts and 200 million e-mails will be on display…” And those 200 million e-mails could have almost eighteen non-redacted words. But that's not even the best part!
[clip from MSNBC] Would you have invaded Iraq if you were President? Or, would you bail out Wall Street? Former President George W. Bush wants to know what you would’ve done; it’s all part of this new interactive theater that’s featured in the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museums…
Yes, the library includes interactive role-playing where the President hands over the reins of power to someone else, just like he did when he was President. [photo of Dick Cheney] Like, uh, what’s it like? It’s like a Presidential “choose your own adventure.” [referencing The New York Times, nytimes.com] I mean, would you deploy federal troops after Hurricane Katrina or rely on local forces? Would you bail out Wall Street or let the banks fail? Would you invade Iraq or leave Saddam Hussein in power? I mean, it really gives you perspective. I mean, let’s see you sift through mountains of intelligence saying Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destruction to find the one memo that implies that he might. But, folks, as excited as I am, I must confess that there is one thing that deeply disappoints me about the Bush Library: I am not invited to Thursday’s [2013‑04‑25] dedication.
Thank you. And I am hurt, on my inside feeling parts. I mean, at the end of this man’s Presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats from a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island! I remained faithful. And I’m sure he knows that, from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized. But that’s okay, Mr. President, I forgive you. And I will be there on Day One. And so should you, Nation; you can buy your tickets online now. Of course, some of them will be for the Bush Presidential Library and some of them will be for the Gore Presidential Library, but the ticket counters will read them all as Bush.
We’ll be right back.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Transcript: Huckabee on Daily Show
Read more »
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Transcript: Dan Rather on The Daily Show
Read more »
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Errata • أخطاء مطبعيةThe LincMad.com telephone area code website, on the Africa page, lists +212 52 as a telephone prefix for several places in southern Morocco. It previously included an incorrect listing for ⴰⵝⴰⴷⵉⵔ, ⵓⵎⵔⵔⵓⴽ. That listing should have indicated ⴰⴳⴰⴷⵉⵔ, ⵍⵎⴻⵖⵔⵉⴱ (ⴰⵎⴻⵔⵔⵓⴽ). LincMad.com regrets the error, and apologizes to anyone who may have been seeking telephone information about ⵍⵎⴻⵖⵔⵉⴱ in ⵜⴰⵎⴰⵣⵉⵖⵜ, ⵜⴰⵙⴻⵍⵃⵉⵜ, ⵜⴰⵔⵉⴼⵉⵜ, ⵜⴰⵇⴱⴰⵢⵍⵉⵜ, or ⵜⵉⴼⵉⵏⴰⵖ. The errors have now been corrected.
Interestingly, LincMad.com was the only place on the Internet that the misspelling “ⴰⵝⴰⴷⵉⵔ” appeared, at least as far as Google could tell. Note also that ⴰⵎⴻⵔⵔⵓⴽ (امهرروک) should not be confused with أمريكا.
Annotated version:The LincMad.com telephone area code website, on the Africa page, lists +212 52 as a telephone prefix for several places in southern Morocco. It previously included an incorrect listing for ⴰⵝⴰⴷⵉⵔ, ⵓⵎⵔⵔⵓⴽ [Athadir, Morocco, written in North African Berber Tifinagh alphabet, with the country name spelled in Algerian dialect]. That listing should have indicated ⴰⴳⴰⴷⵉⵔ, ⵍⵎⴻⵖⵔⵉⴱ (ⴰⵎⴻⵔⵔⵓⴽ) [Agadir, Elmeɣrib (Elmeghrib) (Amerruk) — Morocco as spelled in Moroccan Berber]. LincMad.com regrets the error, and apologizes to anyone who may have been seeking telephone information about ⵍⵎⴻⵖⵔⵉⴱ [Elmeghrib, or Morocco] in ⵜⴰⵎⴰⵣⵉⵖⵜ [Tamazight, or Central Atlas Berber], ⵜⴰⵙⴻⵍⵃⵉⵜ [Tashelhiyt, or Shilha Berber], ⵜⴰⵔⵉⴼⵉⵜ [Tarifit, or Rifian Berber], ⵜⴰⵇⴱⴰⵢⵍⵉⵜ [Taqbaylit, or Kabyle Berber (Algeria)], or ⵜⵉⴼⵉⵏⴰⵖ [Tifinagh, the Berber name for the Berber alphabet]. The errors have now been corrected.
Interestingly, LincMad.com was the only place on the Internet that the misspelling “ⴰⵝⴰⴷⵉⵔ” [“Athadir”] appeared, at least as far as Google could tell. Note also that ⴰⵎⴻⵔⵔⵓⴽ [Amerruk, western Berber spelling of Morocco] (امهرروک) [Amerruk, written in Arabic script] should not be confused with أمريكا [Amrika, Arabic for America].
…and just in case you see a bunch of boxes above instead of funky Berber words, here’s what it should look like:
Monday, January 30, 2012
Transcript: Lou Dobbs on The Daily Show
Read more »
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Analysis of Ranked-Choice Voting: SF D.A. 2011
An important caveat is that the data I downloaded were preliminary results, and do not include the last 2,603 ballots (1.39%) to be processed.
Read more »
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Transcript: Bill Clinton on The Daily Show
Copyright ©2011 Comedy Central, all rights reserved. Transcript presented under "fair use" in the furtherance of political discourse.
Read more »
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Transcript: Billo on Daily Show 9/28/2011
Read more »