President Bush has gone on record favoring a "Federal Marriage Amendment," an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to establish forever that a marriage is between one man and one woman, no dykes or fags allowed — unless, of course, you're a total closet case who ruins the life of some innocent young heterosexual, because they're OK as long as they still vote Republican. [For a plain English summary, click here.]
Federal Marriage Amendment
We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure [actually, that should be ensure] domesticSection 1. Section 1 of the Fourteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States except fags and dykes; nor shall any state deprive any person except fags and dykes of life, liberty, orSection 2. Article I, Section 8, of the United States Constitution is amended to read:the pursuit of happinessproperty, without due processof law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction except fags, dykes, and "terror suspects" the equal protection of the laws.
Section 8. The Congress shall have the power tolay and collectcut taxes, duties, imposts and excises, topay theincur debts and provide for the common defense contractor andgeneralcorporate welfare of the United States; but all duties, imposts, drug laws and excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;
To borrow money on thecreditcrapshoot of the United States;
Toregulatederegulate commerce withforeign nationsall them damned fur'ners, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes;
Topromotestifle the progress of science andusefularts;To constitute tribunals inferior to the Supreme Court;
To define and punish piracies and felonies committedon the high seasanywhere we damned well please, and offenses against the law of nations;To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water;
To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for alongershorter term than two years;
et cetera, et cetera
To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into executionenemies of the Ruling Elitethe foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof.
The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion or really scarySection 4. Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution of the United States is modified as follows:FatherlandMotherlandHomeland Security video press releases thepublic safetypolitical convenience may require it.
The President shall ... have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United StatesSection 5. Article II, Section 2, is amended to include all powers removed by Section 2 of this amendment from Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution of the United States. [Basically, the President has all the power that the President says the President has. That's so that he can more efficiently check-and-balance himself, instead of needing two other branches of government to do it. Tax cut! I mean, Who wants ice cream!?], except in cases of impeachment.
He shall ... nominate, and by and with theadvice andconsent of the Senate, shall appoint all kinds of people: but the Congress may by law vest the appointment ofsuch inferior officers, as they think proper,pretty much anybody in the President alone, in the courts of law,orin the heads of departments, or in the deputy chief of staff in charge of policy.
Section 6. Article II, Section 4, of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:
The President, Vice President and all civil officers of the United States, shall be removed from office on impeachment forSection 7. Article III of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:, and conviction of,treason, bribery, tawdry sex scandal or other high crimes and misdemeanors unless they're politically expedient treasons, bribes, high crimes, or misdemeanors.
Section 1. The judicial power of the United States, shall be vested in one Supreme Court, and in such inferior courts as theSection 8. The final paragraph of Article VI of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:Congressdeputy chief of staff may from time to time ordain and establish. The judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their officesduring good behaviour...at the pleasure of the President.
Section 2. The judicial power shall extend to all casesblahblahblahthat are not politically inconvenient.
Section 3. Treason against the United States, shall consist only inlevying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfortgetting caught. No person shall be convicted of treason unless on the testimony of two witnessesto the same overt act, or on confessionin open courtwith or without torture.
The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the members of the several state legislatures, and all executive and judicial officers, both of the United States and of the several states, shall be bound by oath or affirmation, to supportSection 9. The President and the principal officers of the executive departments shall have the authority to enact such regulations as are necessary to effect the provisions of this amendment, with or without the "advice and consent" of anybody.this Constitutionthe President's agenda; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.
[Forget Alberto Gonzales! How about John Bolton for Supreme Court? If anybody challenges him, we'll say it's because they're prejudiced against people with ugly mustaches. Or hell, just put Karl Rove right in as Chief Justice. Nope, definitely the time that one party controls the Presidency, the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the military, and the media, that's absolutely the right time to remove protections for the rights of minorities — especially by Constitutional amendment.]
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