Monday, April 22, 2013

Transcript: Colbert’s Take on the Bush Presidential Library

Stephen Colbert did a segment on Monday’s 2013‑04‑22 Colbert Report about the dedication of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas on 2013‑04‑25 and its subsequent opening to the public on 2013‑05‑01.

[clip from CNN, 4:57 PM: the George W. Bush Library will open to the public on Wednesday, May 1st, 2013‑05‑01.]

That’s right: May 1st, 10 years to the day since George Bush famously landed on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln and declared “Mission Accomplished.” Which means the library will be finished in another 8½ years. Nation, I am so pumped! Because this thing is gonna be packed with Bush-nography: [quoting ABC-6 Action News from WPVI‑TV in Philadelphia] “More than 43,000 artifacts and 200 million e-mails will be on display…” And those 200 million e-mails could have almost eighteen non-redacted words. But that's not even the best part!

[clip from MSNBC] Would you have invaded Iraq if you were President? Or, would you bail out Wall Street? Former President George W. Bush wants to know what you would’ve done; it’s all part of this new interactive theater that’s featured in the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museums…

Yes, the library includes interactive role-playing where the President hands over the reins of power to someone else, just like he did when he was President. [photo of Dick Cheney] Like, uh, what’s it like? It’s like a Presidential “choose your own adventure.” [referencing The New York Times,] I mean, would you deploy federal troops after Hurricane Katrina or rely on local forces? Would you bail out Wall Street or let the banks fail? Would you invade Iraq or leave Saddam Hussein in power? I mean, it really gives you perspective. I mean, let’s see you sift through mountains of intelligence saying Saddam didn’t have weapons of mass destruction to find the one memo that implies that he might. But, folks, as excited as I am, I must confess that there is one thing that deeply disappoints me about the Bush Library: I am not invited to Thursday’s [2013‑04‑25] dedication.

[audience:] Awwwwwwww.

Thank you. And I am hurt, on my inside feeling parts. I mean, at the end of this man’s Presidency, even as my fellow conservatives  were abandoning Bush like rats from a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island! I remained faithful. And I’m sure he knows that, from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized. But that’s okay, Mr. President, I forgive you. And I will be there on Day One. And so should you, Nation; you can buy your tickets online now. Of course, some of them will be for the Bush Presidential Library and some of them will be for the Gore Presidential Library, but the ticket counters will read them all as Bush.

We’ll be right back.

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