On tonight's Daily Show with Jon Stewart, "down under" actor Russell Crowe (Kiwi by birth, but grew up in Oz) made the stunning suggestion that America might benefit from having more Americans travel outside America. Canada and México are important, but it's good to include at least a few countries that require actual airplanes to get to. Russell Crowe noted that only a small percentage (he said 14%; estimates range up to about 22%) of Americans even own passports. I put it to you that even when we do go abroad, we are so insular in our approach to the experience that we often offend. I certainly realize that not everyone has my facility with foreign languages, but seriously, the absolute minimum is to learn how to say "Do you speak English?" but you get bonus points for "I don't speak [your language]" in their language.
Here, then, for your edification, are a few entries in my American Phrase Book, just off the top of my head. I don't guarantee that any of the following is correct, but I do guarantee that it's better than "No speakee Eenglish?"
| French | Je ne parle pas français. | Zhuh nuh pah luh pah fron-say. |
| Spanish | No hablo español. | No ah-blo es-pan-yol |
| German | Ich spreche kein deutsch. | Ick spreckuh kyne doytch. |
| Dutch | Ik spreekt niet nederlands. | Eek sprayk't neet nay-der-lahnss. |
| Hungarian | Nem beszelek magyarul. | Nem buh-say-lek mudge-your-rule. |
| Irish | Nil laobhrim nGaelige. | Neel luh-vreem nile-guh. |
| Greek | Δεν μιλώ τα ελληνικά. | Den mee-LO ta ellenee-KAH. |
| Italian | Non parlo italiano. | Nohn parlo italiano. |
| Shoshone | Tsaanggu beaichehku | Tsahng-goo buh-AY-cheh-koo |
| Finnish | Puhetteko ranskaa? | poo-hay-tay-ko ranskaa? |
| English | My hovercraft is | full of eels. |
| Czech | Česky | chess-key (shake head "no") |
| Portuguese | Eu não falo o grego. | ay-oo now fah-lo o gray-go |
| Maori | Aotearoa | ow-tay-uh-ro-uh |
| Japanese | (don't ask me!) | Boku-wa nihon-go hanashi mas sen |
| Russian | Комитет Государственной Безопасности | This tobacconist is scratched. |
| Swahili | Mboga woga mkubwa | bata mguu |
| Deaf Lipreader | Just speak clearly, | don't over-enunciate. |
| Mayan | ¿Cómo se dice en maya...? | ko-mo say dee-say en maya |
| Hawai'ian | Ho'o pohopoho | (said with a deep bow) |
| Lakota | Hecel lena oyate kin nipi kte. | umm, uhh.... |
| Korean | 가각갂 | ai goo chom nay |
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