The best of Comedy Central's Last Laugh '05

Comedy Central premièred its Last Laugh '05 special last night. The biggest disappointment, sadly, was Jon Stewart's video piece. After the wonderful bit he sent in for the Emmys^® in September, he phoned in a half-assed rehash of old Daily Show bits. However, let's not dwell on the negative.

The highlight for me was comedian David Cross, who plays Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development. Here are a few sound bites:

I personally am not opposed to gay marriage, because I'm tolerant and rational, so it doesn't bother me. But I'll tell you, the thing I am opposed to is interracial gay marriage: that is a slippery slope we do not want to get on as a nation, because then people are gonna be talking about civil rights and all that stuff. I also think that the people who are upset over the fact that abortion rights may be overturned, I think they're overreacting. First of all, it's 2005, and we've made such advances in technology — last time I looked, all the wire hangers were rubber-tipped, right? So, it's not going to kill anybody; it's a bit of an inconvenience, but ...

I am opposed to abortion, just because I think we don't have enough teenage prostitutes in America. We have a major trucking industry that needs to be serviced. That's how we get our goods, folks. That's how we get our medicine and our food. Those guys need a little something, you know. It is the one upside to forcing women to have unwanted children, I think, is more teenage prostitutes.

I think the most pivotal event in 2005, without a doubt, was Katrina, because it exposed America and this administration for what it is. [...] One of the things that bothered me so much was the emphasis on looting. Like everybody was going ape-屎 about looting, everybody was going 屎-house about the looting, and there were orders to shoot to kill. Really?? Shoot to kill? I wish the National Guard and the U.S. citizenry would get that upset and spend that much energy over the real looting that's going on.

[character voice #1]: Oh my God, you have to come quick! The President of the United States and all his friends are appointing just their friends to the administration, people who are incompetent, it's terrible, they're looting the Treasury, they're taking our tax money, they're looting the Treasury!

[character voice #2]: What?? Well, 往来 that, there's a nigger stealing potato chips! Let's go!! This is America, goddammit! Shoot to kill! Kill that nigger with his potato chips!!

They also presented a great "public service announcement" about bird flu (hint: if you find a dead bird, don't lick it!) and a fabulous taped segment with Andy Dick playing the role of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding planner. Bill Shatner played the rôle he was born for: Lucifer. Stephen Colbert played a deeply insightful game of Jenga (as in "Jenga tu madre"?). The musical guests, Death Cab for Cutie and Yellowcard, played songs with actual intelligible lyrics; perhaps this heretical trend could be on an upswing. Sarah Silverman (star of Jesus is Magic, in theatres now) redefined "Amazing Grace," and Carlos Mencia shed some light on the differences between black people and Beaners [Latinos] in New Orleans in Hurricane Katrina:

Hey, black people, I know white people invited you on a "cruise" a long time ago and it didn't work out. Really, I understand. But it's 2005 and you're on a bus — he's not taking you to Africa! Get on the 往来 bus! Did you know that the largest population of Hondurans outside of Honduras existed in that city? Did you know that a very large Cuban and a very large Mexican population lived in New Orleans? Did you see my people getting interviewed after the thing? No! 'Cause they sent one bus to the barrio and we all got on it!

Of course, everyone also eagerly awaited the preview of the long-anticipated third season of Chappelle's Show. You'll have to wait until 2006, though, to see more new Dave Chappelle.