I received a cheery Thanksgiving note from my new bestest friend in the whole wide world, Rosemary Hamson. She wants me to help her set up an orphanage in her memory, since she will soon go to "the bosom of the Lord," as she puts it. If the Lord's bosom is big enough to embrace Rosemary Hamson, then perhaps I should send Him a nice brassière for Christmas. But I digress. Here is the first part of Rosemary's letter:
I am Cousin Curveball from United States. I have never been married, and I promise you that I had nothing to do with poisoning your husband. I honestly had no idea that the chinchilla casserole had any more than a soupçon of botulism for flavouring. As for your idea of opening an orphanage, I think it is an excellent suggestion. However, I am uncertain as to the current price of orphans on the open market, not having bought very many in recent months. (My pet komodo dragon requires only one or two small children per feeding.) I am sure that we could get a much better price acquiring them in Côte d'Ivoire. Another problem, though, is transportation, as I have found that shipping containers have an unacceptably high spoilage rate with fragile cargo such as orphans. When we factor in the costs of air freight, it might be less expensive to find some orphans perhaps in Mississippi and Louisiana, where the recent tragedy has brought a fortuitous glut of orphans — a rare "buyer's market." We might even be able to pick up some quality second-hand orphans on the foster-care exchange. With FEMA coördinating the family reunification efforts, I'm sure a few hundred spare orphans won't even be noticed.
Naturally, there is also the question of what we can do with the orphans to add value for resale. Due to the popularity of McDoland's and similar restaurants, fat orphans are a dime a dozen, so we might actually do better to keep ours on a near-starvation diet, to keep them lean. Even a devout follower of the Atkims diet would prefer a nice lean side of orphan to a fatty lump that looks like cheap bacon. As you say, it is only God that gives children, but it is up to us to learn how best to cook them.
By the way, even though you are from Abidjan and living in London, I am required to report you to the Nigerian police for omitting the obligatory "(Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.K. Pounds Sterling)" after "the sum of £2,5 Million" in your letter. As it is a minor technical infraction, I am sure that you will merely need to pay a fine, or perhaps ritually sacrifice a few nieces and nephews.
Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to glorify the name of God and advance the culinary arts at the same time.
Thanks, and Remain "blessée,"
L remain yours,
— Cousin Curveball
Dear Rosemary,Dear Friend,
I am ROSEMARY HAMSON from United Kingdom. I was married to Mr.Oulai Bi Tino HAMSON, who was a minister in the first republic of Cote D'Ivoire in eallier 80s, before his untimely death in the year 2003 after few days in the hospital as a result of food poison.
We were married for so many years without a child as you know that it is only God that gives children, we were both born again Christian,Since his death I decided not to remarry to another man because of my vocation in the christian societies.
My late husband deposited the sum of £ 2 ,5 Million with a bank here in Abidjan which i have my name as nest of kin,Presently this money is still in the custody of the bank.
Recently, my Doctor told me that it is very unfurtunate that i will not live long due to my cancer problem,having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to churches or any christian organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to direct him herein. I want the person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows and other people that need help and also propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.
[...snip...]
Thanks and Remain blessed
l remain yours.
Mrs ROSEMARY HAMSON .
I am Cousin Curveball from United States. I have never been married, and I promise you that I had nothing to do with poisoning your husband. I honestly had no idea that the chinchilla casserole had any more than a soupçon of botulism for flavouring. As for your idea of opening an orphanage, I think it is an excellent suggestion. However, I am uncertain as to the current price of orphans on the open market, not having bought very many in recent months. (My pet komodo dragon requires only one or two small children per feeding.) I am sure that we could get a much better price acquiring them in Côte d'Ivoire. Another problem, though, is transportation, as I have found that shipping containers have an unacceptably high spoilage rate with fragile cargo such as orphans. When we factor in the costs of air freight, it might be less expensive to find some orphans perhaps in Mississippi and Louisiana, where the recent tragedy has brought a fortuitous glut of orphans — a rare "buyer's market." We might even be able to pick up some quality second-hand orphans on the foster-care exchange. With FEMA coördinating the family reunification efforts, I'm sure a few hundred spare orphans won't even be noticed.
Naturally, there is also the question of what we can do with the orphans to add value for resale. Due to the popularity of McDoland's and similar restaurants, fat orphans are a dime a dozen, so we might actually do better to keep ours on a near-starvation diet, to keep them lean. Even a devout follower of the Atkims diet would prefer a nice lean side of orphan to a fatty lump that looks like cheap bacon. As you say, it is only God that gives children, but it is up to us to learn how best to cook them.
By the way, even though you are from Abidjan and living in London, I am required to report you to the Nigerian police for omitting the obligatory "(Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.K. Pounds Sterling)" after "the sum of £2,5 Million" in your letter. As it is a minor technical infraction, I am sure that you will merely need to pay a fine, or perhaps ritually sacrifice a few nieces and nephews.
Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to glorify the name of God and advance the culinary arts at the same time.
Thanks, and Remain "blessée,"
L remain yours,
— Cousin Curveball
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