Thursday, November 10, 2005

 

Colbert's Oath of Truthiness: Wørd!

From tonight's Colbert Réport:
I, Stephen Colbert, swear to bring the Truth, not only to my studio audience, but to my television audience, and I'm talkin' the Whole Truth, and to bring it hard, so help me God — specifically Jesus Christ, the one true Son of God, begotten not made, One in Being with the Father, as defined by the Holy Apostolic Roman Catholic Church [HARCC the Harrowed Angels Sing?], the one true Church as revealed to Peter by Jesus, led by God's servant on Earth, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.

All right, let's do this thing!

Now you know absolutely everything I tell you is the complete, unvarnished truth, or close enough for jazz. That's called building trust with the American people. Oil companies owe us that much — after all, we're fighting a war for them.
Wow. I can't think of anything The Powers That Be fear more than someone telling a television audience the truth. (But isn't that also the message of Boondocks?)

And now, for your Third-Pathy [Hmm — is that Third-Pathy as in Pithy, consisting of or resembling pith, or as in Triskaidekaphobiopathy, an abnormality upon a paranoid fear of the number 13?] enjoyment, here is a transcript of The Wørd from tonight's Colbert Réport. Remember that this man has sworn upon his Truthiness, as has Cousin Curveball, although I substitute some homosexual pagan stuff with Shoshone and Lakota influences for the whole Holy Apostolic Roman Catholic Church part. It's all the same, really — trust me! [After all, I am Trustagious.]
This week also marks the 57th [he actually meant 87th] anniversary of the end of the War to End All Wars, World War I. A day known as tonight's WØRD: Armistice.
It means truce, or a cessation of hostilities, not to be confused with Armas-ness, which meansArmas-ness
the condition of being similar to Washington Nationals pitcher Tony Armas, Jr. (a lot of people mix those two up)Tony Armas Jr of the Washington Nationals® Major League Baseball® team, photo copyright ©2005 by the Washington Nationals/MLB
Armistice Day began as a solemn memorial to the Doughboys,Pillsbury® Dough Boy®
Those lost in Flanders' FieldsI Think That's Belgium*
And more importantly, the peace that followed. Until 1954, when the name was changed to Veterans Day. Evidently, in the Cold War 1950s, celebrating peace — not a high priority.Ike Like
First Strike
For 51 years, Veterans Day has been the one day we honor our armed forces.Other Than Armed Forces Day & Memorial Day
Sure, we civilians do our part to serve our country,Flag on Car &
We Go Shopping
but it is the brave men and women of our military who truly deserve a special annual observance, but as memories of Korea and Vietnam started to fade,Which One
Had Hawkeye?
Veterans Day seems to be losing importance. We travel on Labor Day,Last Day for White Pants
we trick-or-treat on Hallowe'en,[picture of kid in costume]
and see our family on Thanksgiving.Great Time to Come Out of
the Closet
but more and more, Veterans Day has become a day to rake the yard.Honor Our
Fallen Leaves
Veterans Day was ready to be bagged and put out to the curb [kerb, if you're British], another federal holiday forgotten by all of us, just like Cabbage Day,You've Forgotten It, Haven't You?
but, thankfully, President Bush had a solution: Save Veterans Day by creating thousands of new veterans.No Timetable
His veteran accumulation program has been a rousing success,No 18–26 Year-Old
Left Behind
adding enormous numbers of veterans to the rolls, just as fast as we can cycle them through Iraq, although I do need to point out to the President that when you send the same soldiers on three or four tours of duty, that's not adding more veterans, that's called re-veteraning™.I Trademarked That
Mr. President, you need to make new soldiers. The only way to do that is to stop this war, and there's no better week for it. With no war, people will join the military again. Then, you can start a new war,Iran Looks Promising
ensuring a fresh crop of veterans for this important holiday. Hey, Mr. President, we know how much you value your holidays.6-Week
Vacations
And that'sThe Wørd.
...and there you have it. Every single last one of the links above sprang from the demented mind of Cousin Curveball.

* Unless, of course, Flanders Field is a baseball park named after Homer Simpson's neighbor.

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