Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Beware the Scammer with a Thesaurus

I get a lot of spam in my e-mail, including all the usual ads for pills and porno and mail-order brides, pirated movies and software, offers of immediate wealth if I help the wife or son of some recently deceased despot liberate Daddy's blood money from a safe deposit box in Lagos or Accra, notifications of winnings in lotteries that don't exist, stock market "pump and dump" schemes, and every once in a while one that makes me laugh out loud. There are few things as dangerous as a person with a little knowledge, but in the case of a spam-scammer, there are few things as dangerous as a person with a thesaurus.
Dear Winner

We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the Inconveniences and Inflict that we might have indulge you through. However, we were having some minor problems with our payment system, which is Inexplicable,and have held us stranded and Indolent, not having the Aspiration to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments.

We apologies once again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment with (ONLINE CYBER PROMOTION) your name and particular was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding winners who haave not yet received their payments.

I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in square hole and can be voguish for that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from the record in our file, your outstanding winning payment is US$950.215.00(NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).

Be inform Payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank account of your choice, as soon as you get in touched with the Debt Reconciliation agent below.

Mr.James Van,
Manager Remittance Department
Government Accredited Licensed Claim Agent.
Information and Payment Bureau.
Europe Representative Office.
Tel: +229 93 694 736 [a cellphone in Benin, West Africa]
E-mail: [free e-mail in Spain]

Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and release of your cash prize without any delay.

Your Full Name:..............................................
Telephone and fax Numbers:...................................
Residental Address:..........................................
Your Age:....................................................
Your Occupation:.............................................

Your urgent reply Mr.James Van. via e-mail will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 48hours.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs.Jean Walter.
Online Cyber Promotion.
Information Department.
Please contact Mr.James Van for your payment.
"Mawn Dew," as Kim Darby said in Better Off Dead; that's a pretty good one. I'm not even counting apologies (presumably a typo on the British spelling of apologise), or haave or residental (garden-variety typos). Fer cryin' out loud: I'm supposed to believe that you have nearly ONE MILLION U.S. DOLLARS waiting for me, but you can't even afford a spell-check, not to mention a cursory once-over by someone who actually speaks English fluently? Here's a rough translation of the letter into plain English:
Dear Sucker,

We apologize for the delay of your (non-existent) payment, and for all the inconveniences and suffering that we might have enjoyed causing you. However, we were having some computer problems which left us stupid and lazy, not bothering to devote our full care and attention to doing our (supposed) jobs. ...

I wish to inform you now that the trapezoidal peg is now in the hexagonal hole, so the idea of paying you is suddenly popular, or at least Madonna-ish. Please call our third-world cellphone immediately so that we can drain your nominated bank account(s) in order to make us once again Stranded and Indolent, preferably on a remote tropical island with lots of beer and hookers.

Your urgent reply within 48 hours will assist us in the speedy theft of your identity.
Your Full Name:
Telephone and fax numbers:
Home address:
Previous addresses for the last 10 years:
Social Security number:
Date of Birth:
Place of Birth:
Mother's Maiden Name:
Childhood Pet's Name:
First School Attended:
E-mail password:
Bank routing no. and account no.:
ATM card number and PIN:
Current employer and salary:
Previous employers and salaries:
Deactivation code for your home alarm system:
Combination to the mini-safe you keep in the back of your bedroom closet:
Yours Sincerely,
Mafalda Hopkirk
You know, it really almost inspires me to do an infomercial to broadcast in West Africa:
¥OU could have untold Ri¢h€$!! Just slap together some inane drivel about WINNING THE LOTTO. Don't speak English fluently? Who cares?! You can buy English lessons after you make your millions. All you need to get started:
  • disposable cellphone
  • disposable e-mail account
  • Internet access (e.g., local Internet cafe)
  • list of sucker e-mail addresses
That's IT!! For only $299, we will e-mail you the cellphone. But wait — for just $49 extra, we will provide you with the free e-mail account. But the real bargain, at only $999, is our 127,652% guaranteed list of sucker e-mail addresses — if you can't get one of the first 1,000 names to buy your idiotic cover story, we promise to completely ignore your e-mail complaints!! This offer expires at midnight, a week ago Wednesday, so send your name and cash payment (U.S. paper money only) to our processing center:
Wealth Creation Solutions, Inc., PLC, GMBH, UNHCR
7412 Fly-by-night Avenue, PMB 425
Boca Raton, FL 33433
Please allow 4 to 6 centuries for processing.
It's really a shame I'm too stranded and indolent to pull it off. On the other hand, Benin is where the Vodun (voodoo) religion originated, so maybe there's an explanation for that....

Technorati tags: , , , , , , ,

Click below for more...