Jonesing for fake news

Hey, man, anybody seen Jon Stewart around? How 'bout that Stephen Çolbért dude? (It's Frénçh, bitçh!) Man, it's been like three weeks — no, man, I think longer than that, like maybe months; shit, man, maybe it's been years since I had me any of that fine fake news coursin' through my brain, alterin' my perspective on reality and totally making me giggle and all. Umm, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, and great correspondents like that Canajun chick, Samantha Bee, and that doofus Rob Corddry with his cute little boyfriend who pretends to be his brother "Nate" Corddry, and Ted Helms, or whatever his name is. But even worse, I've even started to forget and [gasp!] drop my vigilance with respect to the ominous threat posed to civilization by the mere existence of bears — especially grizzly bears and coal bears. I no longer have anyone with the trustigiousness to deliver the truthiness we need to protect our honey supply. Sure, I can watch Terry Moran and Fareed Zakaria and Tim Russert and all those other "journalists" delivering "facts," but where are the puns? At long last, sir, have you no indecency?

Man, I really thought we were gonna get some fresh Daily Colbert Show Report action today. We demand our Frist Ammendment right to fake news! [no, it's not a typo] Jon Colbert and Stephen Stewart are there to protect our nation's liberty, just like America's Wildest Police Videos.

Speaking of police videos, I'd better get to bed early so I can go watch the police videos that have created such a kafuffle here locally in Sanfrancalifrisco. As a duly sworn member of the press, I shall not be denied my Constitutional right to attend a free screening open to all members of the public!