Sunday, February 05, 2006

Stupor Bowl

Well, Ah'm sittin' down to eat me some real dead-cow type beef steak, exactly 3,735,928,559 pounds of it, on account o' how today is the High Holy Day of the religion of Foo-ball. Today, the Los Angeles Rams will take on the New Orleans Jazz at Cincinnati's Oceanview Stadium. President Chavez will throw out the first pitch at 4:20, but the post-game analysis begins at 2:30. Since a foo-ball game is only supposed to take an hour, the TV coverage is scheduled to end at 5:20, although there is a slight possibility that it will run long.

My, how I long for those halcyon days of my youth, back before there even was a Stupor Bowl. Back in 1967, my vocabulary had already grown far beyond "Mama, Dada," well into variations of "No, I don' wanna!" We was livin' in the 7th Congressional District of the Republicans o' Texiss, represented by a local boy name o' George Bush. (Naw, not the one who thinks he's president; it was his pappy. Li'l Dubya was still busy weaselin' out o' military service back then.) I think we even had Kool-Aid with the sugar already in it!

But now Dubya is president, which means you are required by National Security Directive 313–933–1300, subparagraph 92, to either drink a case of lousy Texiss beer all by yer lonesome, or else snort half an ounce [14 g] of cocaine. It's the law, folks! Stupor Bowl XL isn't for Extra Large, it's for Extra Loaded, and if you ain't blitzed, how do you expect to drive home? Chips'n'dips are kinda outta fashion; the hot snack this year is pork rinds dipped in hydrogenated lard. And ya gotta have some o' that fancy clear sparklin' water stuff, 'cause it helps keep the puke stains from settin' in the carpet. Them little weenies wrapped in croissant dough are fer sissies, though, so make shure ya keep yer private stash where yer buddies cain't find 'em.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the Stupor Bowl in style. Me, I gotta find me some place where there ain't no TV's. Ah'd rather watch them Academy Ay-wards than this crap.