Monday, October 05, 2015

 

The Funds and the Furious: Trevor Noah transcript

This is an unauthorized rush transcript of the second half of the lead segment of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, 2015-10-05.

The Funds and the Furious: Trevor Noah literally puts words in politicians' mouths

[intro regarding the remarkable success right-wing Republicans have had over the last few years in curbing a woman's Constitutionally guaranteed right to have an abortion; transcript begins at approximately time stamp 5:05]

Trevor Noah: It's truly amazing how much the Pro-Lifers have been able to accomplish in the anti-abortion fights. Just imagine what they could do with an issue where the facts are on their side! Yes, yes, that is such a deep thing to think, but what other issue could appeal to those who love life??

[transcript continues with embedded video below]

Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows
CNN News Room voiceover, 2012-12-27 09:27a EST: According to the Brady Campaign to Reduce Gun Violence, there were more than 97,000 people shot in America this year — more than 250 each DAY! 
[full-screen graphic, crediting The Brady CampaignGun Violence in the U.S.:
• 97,000 shot in America in 2012
• Over 250 shot each day 
[chyron: America Divided on Gun Ownership]
Trevor Noah: Now, now, think about it, people: Imagine if we could bring some of that Pro-Life passion into being more — well, pro-life. Then, after a mass shooting, instead of this reaction:
Jeb Bush, 2015-10-02 at Conservative Leadership Project #CLP16: I don't think more government is necessarily the answer to this. [flash cut] Look, stuff happens; there's ALWAYS a crisis.
Trevor Noah: Instead of that, we could get this reaction:
Jeb Bush, 2015-09-27 Republican candidate debate on Fox News: I am completely Pro-Life. I believe that we should have a Culture of Life. It's informed by my faith, from beginning to end.
Trevor Noah: Wow! Somebody get that man a tranquilizer! Wooo! Which is ironic, because usually Jeb Bush IS the tranquilizer. [graphic: Jeb Bush in 'T' superhero costume] Which sounds like the worst movie title ever. "Help me! The bus is heading off the bridge!" "Look, uh, stuff happens. There's always a crisis. It happens." Even Carly Fiorina, instead of this reaction to the Oregon shooting:
Carly Fiorina, 2015-10-02, at Tim Scott for Senate event: I think we need to know a little bit MORE about this incident...
Trevor Noah: We would get this reaction:
Carly Fiorina, 2015-05-12 at 4:46p EDT: I am really tired of being called "extreme" on this issue. [flash cut] [emphatically] Every life is filled with potential.
Trevor Noah: That's right, Mrs. Fiorina. Maybe not the potential to become President, but definitely — DEFINITELY — in the top 12. And the other thing: if Pro-Lifers want to fight for lives OUTSIDE the womb, they don't even need to change what they're saying. They just need to ... add a little bit more.
Rick Perry, 2013-07-07: My work is behind me to make sure that innocent life is protected. [still Rick Perry's face and mouth moving, but suddenly with a curiously South African, rather than South Texan, accent] And obviously you can't let someone get out of a background check, just because they buy a gun at a show, rather than a store. That's just idiotic!
Trevor Noah: You see? Even without the glasses, he's still pretty smart! You try it, Representative Joe Barton (R–TX):
Rep. Joe Barton, 2015-09-17: I think every life is precious. I think that the Congress should do everything we can to protect that life [with a curiously similar South African accent] by passing a ban on high-capacity magazines, for instance. I mean, you're going deer hunting, not playing Call of Duty, for Christ's sake!
Trevor Noah: Wow. Wow. Barton makes a point that is both compelling and oddly pop-culture savvy, but it shouldn't be surprising. This is really just common sense.
Rep. Bradley Byrne (R–AL) on the José Díaz-Balart show on MSNBC, 2015-01-22: If we save ONE life, that's important. And it's important to the American people that we save every life we possibly can [that South African accent again] which is why I can't understand why Congress passed a law banning health agencies from even RESEARCHING gun violence. What the hell were we thinking??
Trevor Noah: Once again, I couldn't have said it better myself....

The point is, if Pro-Lifers would just redirect their powers towards gun violence, the amount of lives they could save would reach Superhero levels. They just need to have a superhero's total dedication to Life, because right now they're more like comic book collectors: human life only holds value until you take it OUT of the package, and then it's worth nothing.

We'll be right back.

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