Saturday, March 25, 2006

South Park, Scientology, and Chef


This week's episode of South Park revisits the plot of "Trapped in the Closet," the episode from 2005-11-16 discussing the precepts of Scientology® in a less than flattering light. In "The Return of Chef!," though, Chef has joined a fictional group called "The Super Adventure Club," which bears only passing resemblance to Scientology®. Since Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef, has quit the show in a huff over the Scientology® episode, the South Park team spliced together bits of dialogue from previous episodes to portray the Super Adventure Club.
Clyde: You guys, you guys! Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.

Kyle: Like what?

Clyde: I think — I think he wants to have sex with me.

Stan: What??

Clyde: I gotta — I gotta go.

Kyle: Weirdo.

Chef: [Hello there, children!]

Boys (in unison): Hey, Chef.

Chef: [How's it goin'?]

Boys (in unison): Good.

Chef: [Well,] [how 'bout I meet you boys after work and we] [Make love!]

Cartman: Excuse me!?

Chef: [Come on, children!] [You're my] [sexual fantasy.] [Let's all] [make sweet love.]

Kyle: Chef? Are you okay?

Chef: [I want to] [stick my balls] [inside your rectum,] [Kyle.]

Stan: Dude! What are you saying?

Chef: [I'm gonna make love to] [your asshole, children.]

Stan: WHAT?!?!
It goes on from there, with the boys visiting the headquarters of the Super Adventure Club, which turns out to be devoted to exploring the world's great adventure sites (mountains, jungles, rivers, etc.) in order to have sex with the native children.
William P. Connelly, Esq.: The Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest adventurer of all time, William P. Finneus. Finneus climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. Finneus was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas. ... After having sex with all those children, Finneus realized that having sex with all those children had made him immortal. He discovered that children have things called Marlocs in their bodies. When an adult has sex with a child, the Marlocs implode, feeding the adult's receptor cavity with energy that causes immortality, so sayeth the ruler of Bethos. Finneus traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity until he was hit by a train in 1892.

Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

Connelly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for 20 years?

Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
At the very end of the episode, at Chef's funeral, Kyle Broflovski delivers this eulogy:
We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us, but we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So, you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.
So in the end, the parallels to Scientology® return. And yes, we loyal South Park fans are mad at the fruity little club that scrambled Isaac Hayes' brains.

Scientology® is a registered trademark of the Cult Church of Scientology International and/or the Religious Technology Center of Los Angeles, California. Just for the record, though, "religious technology" is a contradiction in terms.

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