Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Nitpicking Brokeback Mountain

Y'all know what a nit is or why ya might want to pick one? A nit is a louse, as in the singular of lice, specifically the egg that hasn't yet sprouted into a louse, and ya pick the nits out of yer hair (and yes, kids, getting them in the hairs "down there" is one o' the hazards o' gettin' real friendly with somebody ya don't know real well) because they itch worse than any flea bite if ya ever let 'em hatch. Probably not as bad an itch as a kid I knew who got chiggers in his ballsac, but bad enough.

I went to see the movie Brokeback Mountain right when it came out, and I ain't written 'bout it here yet, but that's 'cause I was disappointed in it. I think I should explain why I was disappointed, as well as why I still think it is a good movie worth seein' sev'ral times.

To start off with, on both the plus and minus columns, the stars, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, are among the best of the best of my fantasy guys, specifically the ones I would pay $10.50 to watch stare at their navels for an hour and forty-two minutes, but they also happen to be talented actors. The upside is that they make a real good-lookin' couple, but the downside is that I really want each of 'em for myself. I'm jealous of Jake for gettin' to be with Heath, I'm jealous of Heath for gettin' to be with Jake, and I hope they appreciate makin' my brain turn to Jell-O. I didn't feel the slow build of their love, both physically and emotionally, but that was because I was pre-occupied by my own unrequited dee-zahrs. (I don't mean to sound greedy, but it's a damned shame neither of 'em is gay in real life. I hope at least that their women friends appreciate their own good fortune.) I guess you could say I 'bout expected their little tent to literally burst into flames from the heat of their passion, so I was disappointed when it only sizzled.

Y'all should go and see this movie — and a few others — especially if you still think, even after Katrina and the Iraqi انتفاضة that Bush is still "doin' a heckuva job."

Oh, and a nitwit is somebody with the intelligence of an unborn louse, which is even dumber than George Dubya Bush, who's too much of a yella-bellied chicken snake to tell ya what he thinks of the movie, 'cause the Glorious Leader of the Free World is scared of a movie. He'd pro'bly go see Friday the 13th or Super Bowl eXtra-Large, but he's too chickenshit to see a story 'bout two all-American cowboys? Yer a wimp if ya run scared from a movin' pitchure, Mistress Prezzy-dent!

[Speakin' o' the Stupor Bowl, Cousin Curveball and I are really lookin' forward to seein' what Michael Moore can pull off at Ford Stadium. If they have any conejos, they'll put him in their official halftime show.]