Friday, May 12, 2006

Funny, I don't REMEMBER driving drunk....

In the midst of the discussion of the government's program of amassing an enormous database of telephone records of ordinary, innocent American citizens, it's a bit disconcerting to see just how far astray such database records can go. Today, I received a form letter, hand-addressed to me personally, dated yesterday, offering the services of an attorney to defend the D.U.I. [Driving Under the Influence of alcohol or drugs] charges against me in Tuolumne County, California.

The thing is, I've never even been detained on suspicion of possible D.U.I. anywhere, and better yet, I haven't set foot — much less operated a motor vehicle — in Tuolumne County in more than a decade. I'd like to go back there some time, since Yosemite National Park is in Tuolumne and Mariposa Counties, but I don't exactly relish the prospect of being thrown in jail on an outstanding warrant that I've never seen or heard of before, for a crime I couldn't possibly have committed. I don't much care for handcuffs, and I'm positively allergic to the very idea of jail — well, except for that time I spent the night in the maximum security wing of Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary, but that was with the doors left open. Prison isn't so bad if they let you come and go as you please.

Does this Sacramento attorney know something I don't, or did he just waste a 39¢ stamp? Did the great government database in the sky just have a massive hiccup?

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