Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Transcript: Billo on Daily Show 9/28/2011

Fox News Channel host Bill O'Reilly was the guest on tonight's Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The embedded video and transcript appear after the fold. (Update: complete transcript of Part 1 [as aired on Comedy Central] and Part 2 [web extra from])

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Transcript, Part 1

Jon Stewart: Welcome back! My guest tonight, he is the host of the Fox News show The O'Reilly Factor; his new book is called Killing Lincoln: the shocking assassination that changed America forever. Please welcome back to the show Mr. Bill O'Reilly!

[to O'Reilly] Sir! Come and sit! A pleasure, sir, a pleasure.

Bill O'Reilly: [to audience] Thank you.

Stewart: Thank you so much for being here. The book is — and, again, I don't want to criticize your cover designer — Bill O'Reilly Killing Lincoln.... [audience cheers] By the way, it is an excellent book and a nice read and, uh ...

O'Reilly: Somebody read it to you?

Stewart: Damn you, O'Reilly! Always quick on the draw! Uh, excellent book; you're going to sell, I think, millions and millions of copies.

O'Reilly: Thank you.

Stewart: We're not going to talk about it.

O'Reilly: Okay.

Stewart: Here's what I want to ask you: You were on your show the other night — I watch it frequently — you say, if Obama raises your taxes to 50%, which you believe is possible, that you may not do your show any more?

O'Reilly: Right. I'll take Colbert's place.

Stewart: Yeah! You know he's faking it?

O'Reilly: Somebody has to.

Stewart: What percentage of that threat is empty?

O'Reilly: Uh, all of it.

Stewart: You're not goin' anywhere!

O'Reilly: No, no. There comes a point where, if you're gonna be taxed by the federal government at fifty, and then you gotta pay your property taxes, your sales taxes, your tolls to get into the city. They're charging admission to get into New York City, $14.50 to get in.

Stewart: And yet free to go to New Jersey. [audience laughs] What are you gonna do?

O'Reilly: Well, it comes a point where you say, you know, Is this worth it?

You and I both work hard — well, I do — [audience groans] Hey! He's got 18 writers back there!

Stewart: Somebody's gotta peel the carrots!

O'Reilly: True, and that's a good point: you and I employ a lot of people —

Stewart: That's right.

O'Reilly: — and a lot of people depend on us.

Stewart: We're job creators.

O'Reilly: We are! The entrepreneurial class.

Stewart: But, but, this whole idea that somehow the tax burden would become so onerous on us, that we would just rather not take home $3 million if we can't get that $3.5 million — fuck it! Do you know what I mean? That's crazy talk and you know it!

O'Reilly: You're not makin' that much money!

Stewart: Here's all I'm sayin': What is this whole business with the "poor, poor" rich and wealthy in this country? So unfair to them!!

O'Reilly: Are you ever gonna wise up? Ever?? I mean, we've been doin' this dance....

Stewart: Teach me, professor.

O'Reilly: Okay.

Stewart: Teach me.

O'Reilly: I don't mind payin' 40%, but first they're gonna have to stop wasting the money. One word: Solyndra. Do you know what that is, Solyndra?

Stewart: Yes, I do.

O'Reilly: How much money was wasted there? Do you know?

Stewart: $500 million.

O'Reilly: $528 million.

Stewart: Okay.

O'Reilly: Okay, $528 million. So, if you clean it up, if you stop wasting it, then you come to the "job creators" [gestures to himself and Jon Stewart], and we'll help you out.

Stewart: Let me just, very quickly: Solyndra was an investment the government made — the Department of Energy, I think, of $10 billion or $20 billion — in new energy technologies, Solyndra being one of them —

O'Reilly: Solar panels.

Stewart: Well, that was one of them. There was also wind and nuclear. That was about 0.5% of the money that the Department of Energy spent. Are you saying that the government should no longer, in any way, subsidize new industries? Because without that, no Internet, no roads to Long Island [audience laughs] —

O'Reilly: There'll always be roads to Long Island. Now, listen —

Stewart: But that's my point! That's a very —

O'Reilly: You've got to downsize the government so they can watch what's happening and make intelligent decisions. It's insane! Right now — look, "the $16 muffin." Do we all know what the $16 muffin is, all right?

Stewart: What??

O'Reilly: [shouting] See, you don't even know what the $16 muffin is!!

Stewart: What neighborhood do you live in?? Who makes a $16 muffin??

O'Reilly: This is great! I'm glad! Look —

Stewart: All right.

O'Reilly: $16 muffin, broke the story last week on the Factor — you were otherwise occupied, making your little "wise remarks." Not reading what's happening. They had a bunch of conferences for pinheads, federal government, and they ordered 250 muffins at $16 each.

Stewart: That's a lot for a muffin.

O'Reilly: Yeah!! And you know what? I paid for the muffin!!

Stewart: I understand that.

O'Reilly: And so did you!! [vigorously jabs his right index finger at Jon Stewart]

Stewart: I can understand that. Let me — are you familiar with "Wall Street"?

O'Reilly: No.

Stewart: Because there's this idea —

O'Reilly: Is that run by the federal government?

Stewart: No, it's not.

O'Reilly: Not yet!! [repeats finger jab]

Stewart: No, it's not, but interestingly enough, they had a little problem that added up to a little more than — what's $16 times 250 muffins? — so, Capitalism also finds itself going astray sometimes and wrecking our economy. If you believe we should go back to the good "bubble and bust" days of the 1890's —

O'Reilly: I don't like the "bubble and bust" days.

Stewart: Exactly!

O'Reilly: I want efficiency and honesty in all areas.

Stewart: So you and I are agreeing here —

O'Reilly: Sympatico.

Stewart: You and I are both — you know, when you speak a foreign language [audience laughs], it is ... oddly arousing. You know — but here is my [O'Reilly leans away from Stewart] — come back, come back! — Wait, here's what I'm going to do: when he [O'Reilly] gets over his nervous feelings — here's what I'm going to say: Killing Lincoln is on the bookshelves now. Go buy this book, because this man may not do it any longer if he can't — go buy this book right now, help him feed his family. We're gonna come back with more; it'll be up on the Interwebs. Mr. Bill O'Reilly. We're comin' right back.

Transcript, Part 2

Stewart: We don't edit anything.

O'Reilly: Right.

Stewart: I just wanted to say, now, this next segment will go right to the web. Hundreds and thousands of people will see it. It's is a big break for you. A lot of people are gonna see you. [to audience] We're back with Bill O'Reilly. Here's what I want to know — because I think you and I are agreeing on principle but maybe not degrees of which. Do you think this past decade, these past 20 years, has been a good 20 years for the wealthy?

O'Reilly: Yeah, I would say a good 20 years for the wealthy, with the technological developments and things like that. Look, I don't have any sympathy for the pinheads who were stealing money and doing all the derivative selling and doing all the day trading. I don't like these people, all right? And I think there should be government watchdogs and set up rules where they can do this and can't do that.

Stewart: So, you're a Democrat?

O'Reilly: On that I am. I'm a Democrat on that.

Stewart: That's good!

O'Reilly: But my tax dollars mean something to me. I work hard for my money. All right? We've got a $14.5 trillion debt in this country. These people don't watch the money. They just bid it out because they know guys like you and me will keep payin' it, and it's got to stop. It's got to be downsized and it's got to run efficiently.

Stewart: But revenues — the big argument in this country right now, with between [sic] the Democrats and the Republicans, appears to be: the Democrats are saying we need to cut spending, but we also need to raise revenues.

O'Reilly: Raising revenue is fine, and I'm for that, but you do it in an efficient way: flat taxes, small consumption tax. We've a trillion dollars in the un—

Stewart: Small consumption — well, here's what the rest —

O'Reilly: Wait, wait. We've a trillion dollars in the underground economy, people not paying any taxes at all. Your cocaine dealers, okay, these people. All right, they're not filing.

Stewart: So, you want to legalize cocaine?

O'Reilly: I want a consumption tax, so when they buy their Bentleys they pay 2% or 3%, so we get something from everybody. It's $1 trillion. You put that in, you bring all the income tax rates down.

Stewart: So, the debt crisis in America is caused by renegade cocaine dealers who are avoiding their social responsibilities. Bill, here is my point to you: every Republican candidate for President, the people that want to be the tentpost for that party, were offered a choice on the debate stage: $10 for $1 of revenue increase in the form of taxes. Every single one of them said no. Say right now that that is incredibly irresponsible and you could never support someone who's that — if I may borrow the term — pinheaded.

O'Reilly: Okay, look. I'm not going to generalize about anything. Herman Cain —

Stewart: That's not general! That's not general! That's specific!

O'Reilly: That's a total distortion.

Stewart: I'm telling you specifically what they said!

O'Reilly: Herman Cain wants to put a 9% national sales tax —

Stewart: All right.

O'Reilly: — and bring everybody's down. They all have their little things they want to do. I want to raise revenue because the government needs revenue to protect you from me, okay?

Stewart: Wait — what??

O'Reilly: Has to have that.

Stewart: You mean, like, Jews getting in your club?? What are you saying? What are you talking about?? Protect me from you??

O'Reilly: I'm not gonna give you — I'm paying through the roof in taxes.

Stewart: You're paying less than you paid in the 90's!

O'Reilly: That's not true.

Stewart: Yes it is!!

O'Reilly: Property taxes are up —

Stewart: Oh, stop.

O'Reilly: — if you had a home, you'd know that.

Stewart: Stop. The figures: 39 —

O'Reilly: Sales taxes are up —

Stewart: The marginal tax rate was 39.6% under —

O'Reilly: And now it's 36%!

Stewart: No, it's 35% — [aside] what is it?

O'Reilly: 35½, you round it up.

Stewart: 35½%, so it's 4% less.

O'Reilly: Every other tax in the country's gone up! What's the matter with you?? Every other tax!! The sales tax, state tax —

Stewart: You aren't living in reality.

O'Reilly: Oh! Unbelievable!

Stewart: Here's the reality: the top 1% take in nearly 25% of income today —

O'Reilly: And pay how much of the tax?

Stewart: But 25 years ago —

O'Reilly: Thirty percent of it!!

Stewart: — top 1% control 40% of the wealth; 25 years ago, it was 33%. Top 1% have had incomes rise 18% over the last decade.

O'Reilly: So we should shoot them.

Stewart: I'm not saying we should shoot them, but we shouldn't act like returning to the tax rate of the 90s is class warfare on par with Lenin and Marx! That's what I'm sayin'. [audience cheers, Jon does victory dance] You know what it is, I'm lookin' out for the folks.

O'Reilly: You want me to reply to something or what?

Stewart: Yes!! Reply.

O'Reilly: Okay, I mean, you've bused these people in from Cuba.

Stewart: I want you to reply and then do your victory dance. All right, so what is your —

O'Reilly: I'll pay the higher tax bracket if they start to cut and watch the dough; that's fair.

Stewart: But isn't that the plan that was offered?

O'Reilly: By whom???

Stewart: I thought the President offered a plan —

O'Reilly: Mr. Solyndra??? That's who you're talkin' about???

Stewart: I'm talkin' about Mr. Solyndra.

O'Reilly: The guy who was told by his Larry Summers, "I don't think that's good, Mr. President." "Give them the $500 million!" C'mon, Stewart, wise up, man!

Stewart: So, my point is: you are on record now as saying you will go back to the Clinton-era tax rate —

O'Reilly: That's right.

Stewart: — if you get, uh, some cuts in spending —

O'Reilly: Big cuts.

Stewart: — you have a specific —

O'Reilly: 10% across the board.

Stewart: What kind of idiot?? 10% across the board?? You're not even gonna look?? You're just like, it's a piƱata. You know what, I need to lose 10% of my weight; you know what, I'll just cut off a leg — why not?

O'Reilly: That's ridiculous!

Stewart: Because you have to look specifically at what we need and what we don't. You can't just cut 10%.

O'Reilly: Sure you can!!!

Stewart: Oh, for God's sake!

O'Reilly: It's bloated all over the place! Knock out the muffins, first of all.

Stewart: You have the freakiest breakfast fixation I have ever .... All right, well, I, okay, we've come to a conclusion. So you're going to tell the knuckleheads over where you work to knock off the whole "Job creators are being punished, and why punish the successful?" You're going to tell them to knock that off, because that's ridiculous, because they should pay the fair share, they've had a great decade, they've had a great ride, now it's time, we're a society, let's all come together, shared sacrifice, and get this done.

O'Reilly: Everybody has to sacrifice, I'll agree with that. Everybody has to make some concessions.

Stewart: All right, you're a good man, then.

O'Reilly: All right.

Stewart: The book — what's the book called? The book is called Killing Lincoln — I'm not gonna give away the ending [audience laughs], but it will shock you. You need to get it. Bill O'Reilly, thanks for coming by.

O'Reilly: All right, Jon, always good to see you.