Colbert Distills Healthcare Partisanship (Transcript)

Quick transcript of Stephen Colbert’s insightful and incisive encapsulation of the sharp differences between Democratic and Republican viewpoints on healthcare reform, 2010-03-01 Colbert Report, copyright ©2010 Comedy Central. Embedded video and transcript below the fold.

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There are some people the President will sit down with any time: Congres­sional Repub­licans. On Thursday, he held a seven-hour televised summit on health­care. The only way it could’ve been more boring was if they were curling.

Now, folks, in the end, this summit gave us nothing — other than a tale to terrify genera­tions of children:

I even had one constituent [...] This poor woman had no dentures. She wore her dead sister’s teeth. — Rep. Louise Slaughter (D–NY)

And to this day, when the wind whips around the moor, you can still hear the teeth saying, “R-r-re­mem­ber to f-f-floss-s-s.”

Now, folks, with this “all-you-can-speak-nothing buffet,” I believe we missed an oppor­tu­nity to end the health­care stale­mate, because, to me, this summit seemed a lot like a seven-hour marriage coun­sel­ing ses­sion. And the reason there was no break­through is because one of the parties was not being emo­tion­ally honest. And I’m afraid in this case it was the Repub­licans. You see, Repub­licans and Demo­crats are like a hus­band and a wife. Now, clearly, the Repub­licans are the man, which means the Dem­o­crats are the woman — partly because they have no balls. And they’re in counseling because for the last year the Demo­crat wife has said she wants to have a baby, which is the health­care bill, and the Repub­lican husband is just saying what he thinks he ought to say. Listen to Repub­lican Eric Cantor (R–VA, House Minority Whip):

The reality is, Republicans do care about healthcare. — on NBC’s Meet the Press, 2010-02-21

We Republicans care about healthcare, just as the Democrats in this room. — at the Presi­den­tial healthcare summit, 2010-02-25

No, you don’t! If you did, you would’ve done something about it in the twelve years you ran Congress. Don’t hide your true feelings, guys! Repeat after me: “FUCK ’EM!” [audience cheers] If those “thirty” “million” “people” want health­care, let ’em get a better job, or join the Army, or go to Canada, or eat Flintstones^® vitamins — it’s not our problem. Stop. faking. care-gasms. [audience laughs] Who knows — maybe the Demo­crats don’t want this baby, either. I mean, if they really cared about the uninsured, don’t you think they would’ve tried Single Payer or the Public Option? Hell — they could’ve insem­­i­nated themselves with that 60-seat super­majority. It’s like a “legis­la­tive turkey baster.” And I’m begin­ning to think the only one who wants this baby here is the coun­se­lor, Dr. Obama. Of course he wants it: as soon as it’s born, they’re gonna name the baby after him.

But, Republicans, I know if you admit you don’t want to be the father of this legis­la­tion, you’re afraid people will think you’re a monster. But isn’t it better for people to think you’re a monster than know you’re being dis­honest?? So pull out, guys. [audience laughs]

Besides — you’re never gonna get pregnant while both of you are in bed with the insur­ance companies.

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