America the (Phrase) Book

On tonight's Daily Show with Jon Stewart, "down under" actor Russell Crowe (Kiwi by birth, but grew up in Oz) made the stunning suggestion that America might benefit from having more Americans travel outside America. Canada and México are important, but it's good to include at least a few countries that require actual airplanes to get to. Russell Crowe noted that only a small percentage (he said 14%; estimates range up to about 22%) of Americans even own passports. I put it to you that even when we do go abroad, we are so insular in our approach to the experience that we often offend. I certainly realize that not everyone has my facility with foreign languages, but seriously, the absolute minimum is to learn how to say "Do you speak English?" but you get bonus points for "I don't speak [your language]" in their language.

Here, then, for your edification, are a few entries in my American Phrase Book, just off the top of my head. I don't guarantee that any of the following is correct, but I do guarantee that it's better than "No speakee Eenglish?"

French	Je ne parle pas français.	Zhuh nuh pah luh pah fron-say.
Spanish	No hablo español.	No ah-blo es-pan-yol
German	Ich spreche kein deutsch.	Ick spreckuh kyne doytch.
Dutch	Ik spreekt niet nederlands.	Eek sprayk't neet nay-der-lahnss.
Hungarian	Nem beszelek magyarul.	Nem buh-say-lek mudge-your-rule.
Irish	Nil laobhrim nGaelige.	Neel luh-vreem nile-guh.
Greek	Δεν μιλώ τα ελληνικά.	Den mee-LO ta ellenee-KAH.
Italian	Non parlo italiano.	Nohn parlo italiano.
Shoshone	Tsaanggu beaichehku	Tsahng-goo buh-AY-cheh-koo
Finnish	Puhetteko ranskaa?	poo-hay-tay-ko ranskaa?
English	My hovercraft is	full of eels.
Czech	Česky	chess-key (shake head "no")
Portuguese	Eu não falo o grego.	ay-oo now fah-lo o gray-go
Maori	Aotearoa	ow-tay-uh-ro-uh
Japanese	(don't ask me!)	Boku-wa nihon-go hanashi mas sen
Russian	Комитет Государственной Безопасности	This tobacconist is scratched.
Swahili	Mboga woga mkubwa	bata mguu
Deaf Lipreader	Just speak clearly,	don't over-enunciate.
Mayan	¿Cómo se dice en maya...?	ko-mo say dee-say en maya
Hawai'ian	Ho'o pohopoho	(said with a deep bow)
Lakota	Hecel lena oyate kin nipi kte.	umm, uhh....
Korean	가각갂	ai goo chom nay

Seriously, if you're travelling to a foreign country for more than a day, don't be a kanga-bloody-roo. At least learn how to ask politely that the damned fur'ners speak English just like Jesus Christ.